Our "12 Days of Christmas"

On the occasion of the first Christmas of this blog, I have comprised a version of one of the all-time standards, and it's a simple one: "The 12 Days of Christmas."

All one has to do is to list a few favorite things and make them fit the song. In fact, I'll jump right to the end:

On the 12th day of Christmas, Althea gave to me:

• 12 vintage race cars
  
• 11 (musical) notes from Blondie
  
• 10 lovely porches
• 9 trees of plump fruit
  
• 8-second bull rides (Billy Bob)
  
• 7 bluegrass masters (Spears Family Band)
  
• 6 pounds of "pigmeat" (barbeque)
• 5 peanut butter pies
  
• 4 singing sirens (Barenaked Ladies)
  
• 3 barn dances
  
• 2 beautiful babes (Boogerberger twins)
  
• And a superhero hillbilly!

Merry Christmas and happy holidays, everyone!

Near-namesake war hero in flag flap

I rarely, if ever, give out news from real life, but I had to include this story once I saw it online. The subject's name is one letter off from my main character and I understand that the surnames have similar meaning.

Second Lieutenant Van T. Barfoot (U.S. Army retired), a World War II veteran and winner of the Congressional Medal of Honor, has been ordered by a homeowners' association in Virginia to stop flying the American flag over his house. This is an outrageous development and I encourage Barfoot to fight this every step of the way!

The article for which I became aware of the story is here. This also includes a link to the Congressional Medal of Honor Society, which also posted 2nd Lt. Barfoot's story and thousands of others.

Billy Bob and Krista go to Vegas

Billy Bob Bryant, originally from Glen Rose, Texas, is perhaps the toughest character I have created yet. A star in both pro football and the rodeo circuit, he is known for legendary feats in both. He is responsible for legendary feats that rival those attributed to Chuck Norris and Mr. T. No one can bring him down or intimidate him, no matter what.

But, as I wrote in Chapter 10, he also has a soft side. He saved the life of a teenage girl when he was not yet a man himself. The two would later marry and have a son.

Now, Billy Bob Bryant and Krista Bamburg are both headed for the National Finals Rodeo, next week in Las Vegas, Nevada. They will compete in, respectively, bull riding and barrel racing.

Bryant was at a disadvantage trying to qualify for the NFR because he had only a few months to score enough points in qualifying events during the football off-season. But somehow, he pulled it off. Even though the football season is winding down, and the Texas Defenders are headed back to the playoffs, Bryant still plans to leave the team to compete in the NFR.

According to Billy Bob, "Coach Bubba [McDaniel] has given me permission to go to Vegas for the event. The league final will take place on Dec. 19, and Billy Bob will be back for that if we make it that far. Until then, hopefully we'll win without them." Bryant will play in the opening round against the Bitterroot Banshees this weekend before leaving for Vegas.

While Billy Bob will make his NFR debut, Krista has been there before; in fact, she is the defending champion in barrel racing. The title is based on earnings over 10 rounds of competition, and last year she pocketed over $150,000 during the period.

"Last year was the greatest feeling I have had in my career, but this is even better," says Bamburg, originally from Coushatta, Louisiana. "My husband is with me this year for some support. This is a crucial year as I defend my title in barrel racing, and also for him as he is in the NFR for the first time. We definitely need to support each other."

Television coverage begins at 10 p.m. Eastern time on December 3 on ESPN Classic, with an overnight re-air on ESPN2.

Buddy's holiday notes

Wow! I see that there has been another long gap, so my character has a lot to report.

• My marriage to Brittany went well! About 120 people came by to see it, and even Shayla was there. It was a day full of music, ceremony and celebration. Our wedding was especially meaningful as it will probably be the last one ever staged in our corner of Heaven. The Book of Revelation tells of the symbolic wedding between Jesus Christ and his followers, and that's supposed to replace the human institution. But Brittany wanted this so badly, and an exception was made for us.
• Speaking of Brittany, congratulations to Taylor Swift. In a previous website dedicated to me, there was casting of a film about my life. Swift, who was a rookie in country music back then, played Brittany's role. Well, today Swift has crossed over to pop music and is a best-selling artist, and last Sunday night she won the Artist of the Year from the American Music Awards. And this time, no one disrupted her on stage. Kanye West is one rude dog!:(
• Jimmie Johnson has won his fourth consecutive NASCAR Sprint Cup Series championship. The meaning of this is not lost on me or anyone else who follows the sport of stock-car racing. It was not too long ago that I thought so little of his talents, and so insistent of him only being a star due to his connections with Jeff Gordon, that I called him "J.J. The Protégé." Now Johnson deserves a new nickname: "All Time Legend."
• Happy Thanksgiving to all of you Americans out there. Take a moment to share the blessings of your life with your family and friends, because, believe me, all of us have them. It may be harder to find in these days and times; then again, it makes this holiday even more special.

The ideal NASCAR world

Now, as promised, Buddy Wayne gives his ideas to make NASCAR a better place.

NASCAR has been the love of my life. Ever since I watched my first race as a boy, before I could remember anything, it was a world I wanted so much to be a part of.

But now, something is different, something is missing. The races are boring, the drivers are bland, and no one is watching. And still, NASCAR insists that the one magic solution is just around the corner. Maybe it's the arrival of Danica Patrick, or a slick new marketing campaign. Or is it returning to its roots, as current leader Brian France has suggested.

Ah, I think that's it. Of course, we can't completely replicate the past, but we can take the best of it and make it the blueprint for the future.

Here's the plan that I have:

• Chase away the Chase for the Sprint Cup. This attempt at a playoff is the "cure worse than the disease." It has segregated the 43 drivers who start each race into haves and have-nots, thereby concentrating all media attention on the Chase qualifiers. Worse, the Chase has not resulted in increased attendance or television ratings. NASCAR ratings on television have gone down every year. As for the rest of the media, it is still far more likely to discuss pro and college football and baseball playoffs than racing.
  
• Make it 1996 all over again. In other words, reduce the schedule to 30 races, and try to duplicate it as much as possible. That year, there was a real balance of short tracks, longer tracks, and road courses. Although I understand that the track owners wanted to expand to more places to keep up with demand, the results were OK at best and dismal at worst. Only Las Vegas has continued to be a success over time, while Texas has been hurt by expansion, and Auto Club, Chicagoland, Homestead, and Kansas have added nothing to the mix. All these tracks are the same size and were also built for IndyCar races. Keep them open, but have them run open wheels only, except maybe for Vegas.
• "Run what you brung" should be back. Maybe the cars shouldn't look exactly like those on the road, but duplicate as many features as possible. That alone should save teams millions of dollars in expenses. Also, make the design flexible so that crew chiefs can innovate with the cars.
• Let the drivers be human. In other words, encourage drivers to be themselves, instead of sponsor-driven clones who are politically correct. Role models should include Tony Stewart, Juan Pablo Montoya, and Marcos Ambrose.
• Television coverage should change drastically. Reduce the length of pre-race shows and ensure at least a half-hour after the race for extensive coverage and interviews. Once the green flag drops, cover the race and not what you think will happen in a "script." Cut back on commercial breaks; those sponsor graphics should be enough.
  

I'm sure there are more things I could come up with, but these are the most important things.

As my character would say, "That's my ideal world. What's yours?"

A 'friend' in the media, and a preview

Bill Fleischmann is the NASCAR writer for the Philadelphia Daily News. He is also a collector of some of the kinds of names that I wrote about in my second post. Because Buddy Wayne is at the intersection of those two things, I have every reason to believe that he would have been a huge fan of my character.

His latest column is here. He begins with a few steps he would take to improve NASCAR.

And that has inspired me. Sometime this week, I'm going to "channel" my character and share his opinions on how to improve the sport he loves. I have read a lot of suggestions for improvement over the last few years, and believe me, Buddy would be right there with a few of his own.

Land of the makeovers

Psst, I've got a little secret for you. The plastic surgeon's office isn't the only place full of transformations. Idealia also has plenty of them.

If you've read this blog, you already know some of them. But here in this post I will go over the complete list of all the transformations I can think of.

Some are respellings of celebrity names. Others are the substitution of real names for pseudonyms of celebrities. And others are the results of relabeling to better fit their descriptions.

A word of caution: The original names have value to the holders and in fact some of the names, no matter how deceptive, may have been chosen for valid reasons. Do not try these at home.

Now for the directory. The first listing is what the person actually is, the second is what it actually should be according to Idealia (that is, me).

NAME RESPELLINGS

• Brittany Spears - Provocative pop singer (Britney); bluegrass singer
• Bubba Brister - Former NFL quarterback (Bubby); blues/swing/jazz singer
• Billy Bob Bryant - University of Texas wide receiver in the 1980s (Bill Boy); legendary football player and rodeo cowboy
• Matt McBriar - Punter for the NFL's Dallas Cowboys (Mat); Christian pop artist
• Brett Hart - Professional wrestling star (Bret); anthropologist, TV host, and collector of folk tales
  

MUSICAL ACTS RETOOLED

• Blondie (pictured) - New-wave band (lead singer Deborah Harry is not Blondie); pianist with classical and pop repertoire
• Hootie and the Blowfish - Soft pop band (lead singer Darius Rucker is not Hootie and band is not the Blowfish); beach music band in which Bobby Dwayne "Hootie" Pittman is lead singer
• Highland Place Mobsters, DRS (Dirty Rotten Scoundrels), GAT (Gangstas and Thugs), Queens of the Stone Age - Early 1990s R&B vocal groups; "prank mobs" comprised on young local residents, known for mischievous acts (The queens' names are, aptly, Betty and Wilma)
  
• Death Cab for Cutie, She Wants Revenge, Bullet for My Valentine - "emo" rock bands; books by author Robin-Hollie Browne which are cautionary tales
• Biggie Smalls - First stage name of rapper later known as The Notorious B.I.G.; Professional wrestler
• Color Me Badd - R&B group with some hits in the early 1990s; slogan that can be used by either a cosmetics company or a painter
  

STAGE NAMES TO REAL NAMES

• Marilyn Morrison - Mash-up of Brian Warner's stage name (Marilyn Manson) and John Wayne's real name (Marion Morrison); helps residents raise barns and build log cabins
• Maurice Micklewhite - Actor Michael Caine; main villain in Bunky Barefoot's television show BunkMaster: Operation X
• Archibald Leach - Actor Cary Grant; first and middle names of avenging angel Archibald Blackbird
• Ruby Stevens, Harriette Lake, Annie Mae Bullock, Brenda Gayle Webb - Respectively, actresses Barbara Stanwyck and Anne Sothern and singers Tina Turner and Crystal Gayle; members of local quilting club
• Norma Jean Baker - Marilyn Monroe's first given name; wife of pastor Bobby Baker
• Alecia Moore - Singer Pink; TV and radio news reporter
  

DUAL CATEGORY

• Barenaked Ladies - All-male quartet of adult contemporary singers; all-female band of doo-wop artists. Band members all have retooled names: Vicky Lynn Smith (namesake of Anna Nicole Smith), Brandy Roderick (respelling of Playboy model Brande Roderick), Tara Patrick (namesake of Carmen Electra), Michelle Mitchell (respelling of Olympic diver Michele Mitchell)
  

What some of my characters are doing now

It's been two weeks since I last posted, so I think it's fair to look back at some of my favorite characters and see what they have been up to.

• Melanie MacMelville and Alonzo Barefoot (Buddy Wayne's "father") won spots on ABC's Dancing with the Stars. As of this weekend, MacMelville is one of the 10 remaining celebrities in the competition and has become a favorite to win it all. Meanwhile, Barefoot suffered a highly ironic injury - two heel fractures - and has had to withdraw from the event. (This passage is true in real life as well; just substitute Mya and Tom DeLay for the respective names.)
  
• Billy Bob Bryant continues to star in the Idealia Football League (IFL), but there is an intriguing online campaign to give him a roster spot on the Dallas Cowboys. According to the petition, only Bryant can put the fire under the belly to turn the Cowboys into playoff contenders and perhaps a Super Bowl team (the team has not won a playoff game since 1996). Bryant has said he is happy playing for the Defenders, but that he "would have to listen" to any offers to play in the NFL.
• Lanny "Big" Mobley made major news recently by admitting a crush on a person in the real world. Barbie Blank, a Floridian known professionally as Kelly Kelly, is one of the "divas" of World Wrestling Entertainment. In a series of letters published in The Informer, the heavenly newspaper, Blank shares her frustration that she cannot simply bolt from WWE for the UWF because she wants to personally visit Big. (You can see an index to photos of Kelly Kelly here.)
• Bunky Barefoot and Bubba Ray Lumpkin continue to race at Bowling Hill Speedway. Meanwhile, the NASCAR Hall of Fame is now under construction within sight of the condominium where Lumpkin lived in uptown Charlotte, North Carolina. On Wednesday, the first five inductees were announced: Bill France Sr., NASCAR founder, Bill France Jr., the second generation of NASCAR leadership; seven-time champions Dale Earnhardt and Richard Petty; and Junior Johnson, who emerged from the sport's roots with moonshine haulers to become one of the sport's first star drivers.
• Robin-Hollie Browne has launched RHB Books. The new independent label is focusing on deals with authors known mostly for collaborating with celebrities, with David Ritz and Burton Rocks the first two clients. Ritz has written biographies of R&B and soul singers like Smokey Robinson and Diana Ross, and Rocks has helped baseball stars with their books.
  

The All-Idealian football team

We're in the midst of football season, so why not go ahead and pick the All-Idealia football team? Selections are based on innovative use of talent, value of the player to his team, and sometimes just having a good name.

The talent level is surprisingly good. I see many of them playing at least on the Division I Football Championship Subdivision (I-AA) level, while some are good enough for Div. I Football Bowl Subdivision (I-A) and a couple of them even in the National Football League.

OFFENSE
Wide Receivers - LaDarryl Cabbagestalk (East Carolina Aviators), Littrell McBlackwell (Mississippi Mudcats)
Cabbagestalk runs as fast as Usain Bolt, catches the ball like Jerry Rice, and breaks every tackle he can. You can't beat that combination.
Tackles - Bloodworth Spikes, Jr. (Georgia BuzzHounds), Wilbert McWhite (Carolina Blue Wolves)
Guards - Dwayne Brickhouse (Aviators), Orlando "Biggie" Smalls (Appalachian Miners)
Both Brickhouse and Smalls are over 350 pounds, thereby living up to their name. Smalls is also a professional wrestler under the name "The Real Biggie Smalls."
Center - Travis Teafatiller (Texas Defenders)
His mom is Tammy Faye Teafatiller, a name I adore. She raised her right.
Tight End - Ryan Biffle (Oklahoma Outlaws)
The original Outlaws were part of the defunct United States Football League in 1984.
Quarterback - Rickey Ray Rockett (Louisiana Crawdads)
Combine the attitude of Brett Favre, the throwing arm of Jay Cutler, the last-minute poise of Tom Brady, and a superhero's name into one player and "Triple R" is the result.
Running Backs - LaBradford Bankhead (Mudcats), Lorenzo Leaks (East Texas Bonfire)
Bankhead is a cousin of singer Brightful Birdsong, mentioned in my second post.
DEFENSE
Ends - Middlebrooks Hooks (BuzzHounds), Bubba Sparks (Alabama Slammers)
I based the Sparks character on the rapper Bubba Sparxxx, who actually played high-school football before turning to rap music.
Tackles - Larry Joe Derryberry (Tennessee Tornado), Leamon McBattle (Florida Fury)
Linebackers - Billy Bob Bryant (Defenders), Cody Joe Brookshire (Miners), Bunkley McLumpkin (Slammers)
Bryant is perhaps the star player in the football league, as I have described earlier. McLumpkin is a half-brother to Bubba Ray Lumpkin. Brookshire is also a race-car driver.
Cornerbacks - Shermaine Blackshire (Bonfire), Brownzell Brokenborough (Mudcats)
Safeties - Beaulieu Barrilleaux (Crawdads), Boozer McSharper (Blue Wolves)
Barrilleaux is also captain of the Louisiana Pirates, a gang that claims to be the Merry Men of the Caribbean high seas.
SPECIAL TEAMS
Placekicker - Kyle Barefoot (Aviators)
You may remember Britt Barefoot, who was at Southern Mississippi from 2004 to 2008. He was also a kicker, so like Kyle he had the right name for the position. But he had one flaw: he had a shoe on his kicking foot. On the other hand, Tony Franklin and Rich Karlis went shoeless in earlier decades. Kyle Barefoot combines both concepts, and does it brilliantly. His career long is 62 yards, just one shy of what would be the NFL record.
Punter - Dylan MacKnight (Miners)
Kick Returner - Barron Hollingbird (Crawdads)
HEAD COACH
Bubba McDaniel (Defenders)

Just checking in

Those who have paid attention to this blog know that it has been 20 days since Buddy Wayne's Ideal World has been updated.

There have been several reasons for this. One of them was that a five-night, four-day vacation that my parents and I took to New York City last week. (We arrived late Tuesday night of last week and left on Sunday morning.) During that time, I enjoyed myself and didn't use the hotel computers all that much.

Before that, I restarted classes at ABC Adult School, which meant less free time for projects like this one.

This weekend, I plan to go back to this blog for at least one post. I have not forgotten Buddy Wayne Barefoot and all of his friends and neighbors. If they were with us, they would convey the word that they are OK.

From the Porch: Defending the South

This is the first column in a new series. I will try to give you regular columns from my characters about what life has been like in Idealia since I wrote the final word of The Buddy Wayne Chronicles. - D.H.

In the two years since the book's story wrapped up, a few things have happened to me. One of them was an interview with Matt Frei of BBC World News.

It was nice to invite someone from the outside world to take a glimpse at the paradise to come, and I enjoyed talking to my millions of fans around the globe. During the interview, I also gave Matt a tour of my property and even let him drive my 1930s vintage car, the same one that I won the Heritage Cup in.

But all the outside world could talk about was a statement that was commonly reported as, "I believe that the Confederate flag is the symbol of heaven." I did not say those exact words: what I actually did was point out a flag with the cross of St. George outside the family house and told him, "This does not stand for what you think it does. It stands for the influence of our religious and cultural heritage [in the Southern United States] and how it is a symbol of our lives here in Heaven."

Those who know about Idealia know that we love barbeque, porch sitting, storytelling, riding horses, racing cars, (American) football, hunting, fishing, and working on the land. We also live our lives by faith, family, and moral values. Nowhere else on Earth is this more true than in the South. Because we believe that only the grace of God saves us and sends us to Heaven, it is only appropriate that we eventually land here.

Besides, as I explained to Matt, the flag now associated with the Confederacy, which has the Cross of St. George, was never the official flag of the nation. For most of its history, it was the "Stars and Bars," which had many similarities to the American flag. (See this page for more on the subject.) The cross flag was a "battle flag" used by some units of the CSA army during the Civil War. Later, it was chosen with the American flag to represent reunions of old soldiers from that war.

Somehow, this got twisted to represent the worst elements of the antebellum American South, including slavery. But the fact remains that, here in Idealia, the flag hangs from most of our houses, whether we are white, black, or from another background. The reason is simple: the flag represents us and unifies us, just as the American flag does in the USA or another national flag does elsewhere.

I will always stand by and defend the use of the cross of St. George, regardless of what anyone else thinks of it. As I have always said, "Take me as I am or don't take me at all."


Next time, I will defend my actions as it relates to my belle, Brittany Spears.

What's ahead on this site

I have not posted in a little over a week, so some of you may have wondered what happened to me.

The answer is, nothing really. I have been trying to take it easy in one of the worst heat waves the Los Angeles area has ever seen, as of Friday it was 90 degrees plus on nine consecutive days. Not to mention the Station Fire resulting in images similar to that of nuclear destruction.

Also, I have been thinking about where to go with this blog.

The next big idea in my mind is a weekly column called "From the Porch." Here, Buddy (or sometimes a guest character) will talk about life in my little corner of Heaven. You'll see just how different life in the world to come is compared to what life is like now. Then again, are things that much easier when everything is taken care of? Sometime this weekend, I resolve to start this new feature.

In addition: At some point this month, I will talk about a controversial topic: the Confederate flag, or more correctly the Cross of St. George flag. Why do Idealians rally behind a symbol so controversial that states displaying it are now denied the opportunity to host major college sports championships? And those people include a substantial population descended from African-Americans, the very group that is supposed to be the most offended.

Have a great holiday weekend.

Notice on updated page titles

Let me pause here to inform you that I have changed many of the page titles in my coverage of the bracket. They are now in a standard "headline" format, which is better than the generic look that was there before.

Unfortunately, Blogger did not change the URL addresses of the entries, which could cause some confusion. So pay special attention to the title of each post. If you plan to link the pages to and from other sites, please explain the discrepancies that may exist.

'Aptronyms' square off in Idealia bracket

This is the continuation of the Idealian character tournament, based on the format of the book The Final Four of Everything edited by Mark Reiter and Richard Sandomir.

The next two matches comprise a "mini-regional" with four people with names appropriate to their occupation. Paul Dickson, another author, has coined the term "aptronym" to describe them.


Brightful Birdsong vs. Barney Laughinghouse
As one would guess, the former is a singer and the latter is a comedian. Birdsong is another one of the land's great singers. He, like Aretha Franklin and Sam Cooke, has a background as a gospel singer before crossing over to rhythm and blues and soul. A major difference is that many of his songs are a cappella (that's without music if you're not familiar). I am not aware of any other singer who regularly sings solos in that style; that's understandable as one can imagine how highly difficult that would be. Laughinghouse is the star of a situation comedy on prime-time television. Like the 1950s hit The Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet, the entire Laughinghouse family is the star: husband Barney, wife LaDonna, children Blake, Danielle, and Bonnie Jean, and hunting dog Buster. Also, the family's real-life experiences are the centerpiece of the show, which is done in an improvisational style. Barney leads in the criteria of fulfilling a need in the real world: today, there are no family-themed sitcoms on any of the four major broadcast networks in the United States. (Sorry, The Simpsons and Family Guy fans, cartoons do not count.) In contrast, they were prevalent 20 years or so ago. But by another measure, singers are more valuable than comedians: American Idol is going strong after eight seasons, while Last Comic Standing was canceled after four. The deciding factor in the end is the public image associated with each name: a birdsong is beautiful, while a laughing house would be weird. Winner: Birdsong

Magdalena Babblejack vs. Stormie Gayle Blizzard
If you worked for a news department and a resume came across your desk with the name "Stormie Gayle Blizzard," you'd hire her, right? I thought so. If the anchor chair became empty and someone named "Magdalena Babblejack" wanted the job, can she have it? The answer is, well, maybe. The name "Babblejack" implies gossiper more than serious newscaster, so Blizzard wins easily, right? Think again. If Babblejack were hired by a major network, and if she was able to combine serious journalism with the force of personality - maybe Walter Cronkite and Katie Couric mashed together - she may be the future of television news. Oh, by the way, "Maggie" is from England, where the news culture is very diverse and rich, compared to the U.S. Besides, anchors get the big money, not meteorologists. Winner: Babblejack

Happy anniversary, Buddy!

The miraculous triumph of Buddy Wayne Barefoot in the Heritage Cup vintage-car race took place on this day. The event is scheduled for the Fourth of July - America's Independence Day - to honor the significance of families and to coincide with when the highest number of family reunions are held.

I also want to correct a point in the book which relates to the race: On page 205, I reported on what happened during the red-flag delay due to a strange use of the sprinkler system. I wrote that Bunky Barefoot (Crabtree) kissed a woman, and I reported that it was neither Laura or Heather, the twins that he was "married" to. I meant that he kissed one of the two, but due to their similarities it was not clear which one.

To read the whole story, see chapters 12 and 14, as well as part of chapter 13.

Columnist takes my side on celebrity

When The Buddy Wayne Chronicles was created, the idea was to present a new American folk hero to the public. He is a response to the artificial culture of celebrity that is the center of not just the entertainment world, but the lives of so many people.

I have always believed that the real heroes are our parents, friends, and anyone else who have certain qualities or who have done significant things to enhance our lives. This could include rescuing people from burning buildings, casting aside villainous enemies, or simply creating things of beauty that last forever. In that sense, Buddy Wayne Barefoot is in the world of celebrities, but not of it.

Unfortunately, there are too many famous people who got there the wrong way. That is, they either seek the spotlight or they have qualities that some people in the media think are important. We can forever debate, in chicken or egg style, whether those in the tabloid press either create the demand or simply react to it. What is certain is that the definitions of celebrity and hero have been blurred.

And it's not just me saying and writing this. In reaction to the recent death of Michael Jackson, Herbert London of Human Events magazine wrote a story which expresses the same concern. Here is that story.

On the website comment page, I wrote this:

"...[T]hank you, Herbert, for saying something that has been on my mind for a long time. Oh, if I could only go back to a time when real heroes were recognized and given what they deserved, and when people had to earn the privilege of being famous.

I also think that the breakdown of the family has a lot to do with the cheapening of celebrity. After all, mommy and daddy are the first real heroes in anyone's lives. If our children can't look up to them...well, let me give you the expression (and it's probably a paraphrase): "If one doesn't stand up for something, one will fall for anything."

Brittany Spears "interview"

This is something I have been looking toward for quite some time.

Brittany Raylene Spears is my second favorite character in The Buddy Wayne Chronicles, only behind the main character. As I have explained before, her appeal is based on a combination of a simple, old-fashioned life and the promise and flower of youth.

Although only a teenager, she is the lead singer of a band that performs a musical style as traditional as the Appalachian Mountains themselves. Her wholesome, down-to-earth behavior and her modest beauty has made her the poster child for bluegrass music.

She also shares the same name (at least as pronounced) as Britney Spears. But whereas Britney left behind her country roots for a career as a provocative pop singer, Brittany has stayed grounded. Besides, Brittany is a lot more talented!

Off stage, her romance with Buddy Wayne Barefoot is the talk of Idealia. Recently, the two have announced marriage plans, breaking a taboo barrier and fulfilling the dreams of both.

This "interview" is being conducted by another one of my new characters. Magdalena Babblejack is - what else? - a local reporter and gossip.


MB: Where are you from originally?
BS: My hometown is Beattyville, Kentucky, about 35 miles south of Lexington. It is in the beautiful bluegrass country by the foothills of the Appalachians.

MB: Is it safe to say that your family and your band are the same?
BS: Yes. My father Blanton and my brother Blanton, Jr. are both banjo players, my brother Bunch is on the mandolin, my brother Bradshaw is the fiddler, uncle [Blanton's brother] Brashears plays the washboard, and my sisters Blair and Bailey are dancers. My mom Rebecca is the manager and sews the clothes and dresses us.

MB: How many albums has the family made so far?
BS: We have made three albums as a group. The songs combine old classics [e.g. "Orange Blossom Special"] and original songs. One of [the original songs] is "Mad from the Moonshine," a cautionary tale about alcohol. I was the lead singer on that.

MB: Who made the decision for you to go solo?
BS: I have always wanted to go solo. And after a long and prayerful decision, that's what the family decided to do. As long as they always performed [backup music], my name would be on the album.

MB: Be honest. How much of your decision was based on the existence of Britney Spears?
BS: It weighed on me a lot. I looked at what the other Britney did, and I didn't like it. It just so happens that my name is Brittany, too. So I have always thought I was more talented that [she was], so I decided to go for it on that basis too.

MB: However, that decision led to a lot of booing at the start of your career [as detailed in Chapter 9]. How did you come to terms with it?
BS: I told myself to stay patient and to remind myself to pray. Eventually, God knows what is right and what is wrong, and I knew my faith would pull me through.

MB: Then you went on The Great Singing Showdown [the local version of American Idol; see this post for details of the competitors]. Believe it or not, you won that competition by winning the fan vote. This must be a great tribute as to how far you have come.
BS: Yes! I want to thank everyone who voted for me. Maybe a lot of people hated me at the start, but I won their respect as the weeks progressed. That's all you can ask for: to do your best and eventually the public will see your talent shine through.

MB: And you beat Buddy Wayne Barefoot, the heavy favorite!
BS: That's why I am so excited![Beaming] No one was supposed to be more popular than him in the fan balloting, but I was. What else can you say?

MB: How surprised were you at Mr. Barefoot's marriage proposal at the end of the show?
BS: Very much. After the failed try before [as noted in Chapters 9 and 11], I thought that it was never going to happen. To see that B.W. still has my heart, that is awesome!

MB: When and where is the marriage scheduled?
BS: The date is October 10. Probably at the Spears farm house. I'm the bride, so that was probably why.[Giggling]

MB: I want to go back to the show, in particular the finale. That was a funny scene in which you sang the Britney song "Circus," then had to run away and see the poster of the fake movie in which Debbie Harry plays Blondie. What was that like?
BS: It was a fun side of me that no one knew about. And no one knows it, but that was not Debbie's picture on the poster, it was "our" Blondie [the pianist]. And Bubba Brister and Matt McBriar were pretending to be football players and got the VIP treatment. The producers wanted us to have fun with our names because they were so many similarities, and that we did.

MB: What a story. You come to Idealia in a freak accident, endure the taunts of the fans, meet the big cheese at your biggest time of need, and now you will soon be man and wife. Good luck on everything, and thank you for your time.
BS: You're very welcome. Be well, Maggie.
MB: And the same to you. Goodbye.

See also: Britney vs. Brittany, a "tale of the tape" chart I did for my other site.

New Twitter account, upcoming content

In the personal tradition of adopting as much new Internet technology as possible, the author has opened a new Twitter account. For more information, and the contents of my first tweet, please see this site: http://twitter.com/bwbarefoot.

As for what's to come: an in-depth look at the Rebel X community of younger Idealians and an "interview" with the "other" Brittany Spears. I am especially looking forward to sharing more about my second-favorite character from the book. I love the Spears character because she represents how I am using Idealia to correct the injustices of the real entertainment world. I have always said that if Britney Spears had acted as wholesome and down-to-earth as her background from small-town Louisiana would suggest, then Brittany Spears would not have had to be contrived.

Boogers and spitballs

What are your memories of childhood? By far the favorite memory of so many is playtime. Maybe it was Little League baseball, or soccer tournaments, or school recess. Whatever it is, we associate fun with the innocence of the first years of our lives.

The reality is that kids' games are now run largely by and for adults. Whether it's the Little League World Series, the phenomenon of "soccer moms," the big money in action sports, or the pressure to become star athletes at ever-younger ages, youth sports and games aren't what they used to be.

But imagine for a moment if such innocence could come back, in a new game made by kids and for kids. And imagine if such innocent could last forever.

Imagine no more, as I have found such an activity in Buddy Wayne's ideal world.

It's called boogers and spitballs.


Who first thought of this game is unknown and immaterial, although the son of attorney Blackman Bibb (chapter 4) has been speculated as a possible source. What is known is that the children have taken over the game and have made sure that adults do not get involved in any way. However, I was nice enough to observe from a good distance and can report how it works.

The best way to describe it is a combination of marbles, dodgeball, and king of the hill. The object is to climb to the top of a high point, usually a low-lying rock or treetop, while avoiding hits from members of the opposing team. Usually, three to five players start a game, and of course players who are hit are eliminated. The last person standing and reaching the top wins for the team.

The name of the game comes from the two opposing sides: one team has small black balls called "boogers," and the other has small white balls called "spitballs." They got their name due to the resemblance of their physical descriptions.

Unlike the sports kids play in the real world, "boogers" is not highly organized, nor are the players divided by age, gender, or ability level. Anyone can play, and a game can break out at any time.

Boogers and spitballs. I would like to see kids in the real world try it sometime. And if they need more detailed rules, I'll help write them!


Pictured: Belinda Barefoot is one of those who regularly plays the game. She is the daughter of Bobby Ray Barefoot, Buddy Wayne's brother, and the former Amy Barbour.

Tales of a 'Barefoot' farm boy

In Chapter 3 of my book, I introduced the Barefoot family farm to which Buddy Wayne was placed once he arrived in Idealia. The farm is set on a large meadow in the Hill Country carved into the clouds of the magical place. The hills resemble the part of the Southeastern United States which is the traditional home of the rural redneck culture.

I wrote that Buddy helps in the harvest by planting crops, taking care of animals, and even guarding the water supply from contamination.

This post details the activities at the Barefoot farm throughout the year.

SPRING
During the traditional planting season, familiar crops are planted on the land: corn, wheat, barley, peaches, apples and plums. As the fruits ripen, they are picked to be part of the family's food supply. In time, the grain crops will be both human and animal food. The cows are milked twice a day and the result is both milk and other dairy products.

Alonzo Barefoot, Buddy Wayne's great-uncle and father figure is the head of the household and chief executive of Barefoot Farms. In his role, he oversees the land, pays the employees, and accounts for everything on the property. He has learned all the traditional rural methods that have been passed on from generation to generation, ever since the first Barefoot family members arrived on a plot of land in North Carolina in the 1780s.

And one of those methods is the use of mules instead of tractors. Although he lack of mechanical parts makes for longer days on smaller plots of lands than are used in modern agriculture, there is more satisfaction in the work. The farmers also learn patience, dedication, and the right way to do things.

SUMMER
As the crops grow, the family takes a break. Alonzo stays at the farm year-round, but many of the others move to Timberlake Village (Chapters 3 and 10), Idealia's traditional summer retreat. There, people come to the most abundant fishery in the world and take special lessons from Wilburn Baldridge, the land's legendary angler. Summer is when the children climb on top of trees, pitch tents on makeshift campgrounds, sing, dance, shoot bows and arrows, and play the new game of boogers (to be detailed later in the week). The adults have barbeques and come to an amphitheater to hear traditional performances of country, bluegrass, and gospel music.

FALL
It is now time to plant the grain crops. There is always a bumper crop of everything, and a large storehouse is kept next to the barn to help keep all the plants stored. None of the grain products are used to make alcohol, as the family has a strict no-alcohol policy. Instead, the corn extract is used for a syrup sweetener similar to that from the maple trees, and the barley is used as an ingredient for bread.

A round robin harvest festival takes place on the land every October. During this time, the Barefoots host other families for a few hours, and in turn the family visits other nearby farms to celebrate the harvest and exchange food and other items. The closest neighbors are the McLamb, Brookshire, Barnhill, and Spears families.

This is also the time that the local wildflowers are in bloom, creating a picture just like the one seen in pastoral art and the opening of Little House on the Prairie, among other places. Also, the loblolly pines shed their leaves and create a bright and colorful scene.

Hunting takes place both here and on other farms during the year. Most is done with bow and arrow, as in medieval times; guns are seldom used. The most targeted animals are deer, ducks, and turkeys.

WINTER
This is the "off season" on the Barefoot land. Freezing rain is common and even some snow on nearby slopes is not unheard of. The farm school is open for the younger residents, like Belinda Barefoot (chapter 3). Alonzo and the other farmers collect hay to give to the animals to avoid starvation.

This is also the busiest time for the local slaughterhouse, which supplements the hunting that is done earlier. Cattle, chicken, and hogs are killed using the most humane methods possible, although the residents wear blindfolds as a precaution. Much of the meat ends up in the icebox, but some is eaten immediately.

Apology and preview

Revised June 20, 2009 and again Sep. 15, 2012

Early this morning, I made a post called "The ultimate playlist" which included some songs that are from local artists; that is, of Idealian origin. However, most of this material was too repetitive, and after second thought I decided to delete it from the blog. I also deleted a picture of an iPod that went along with the deleted post.

Now, here is where I plan to take this blog in the coming week:

• Buddy Wayne Barefoot may be a world-famous sports and entertainment star, but even he has farm chores. What are they and how does he pull them off?
• Remember when sports and games were not only played by kids, but made up by them, too? I introduce you to a new game called boogers and spitballs, or boogers for short, and reintroduce you to blithe innocence.

Idealia meets reality TV

First, I want to apologize for the lack of activity over the last week. I have been busy finishing classes at the ABC Adult School. During the evening, I have continued to share the computer with my parents, cutting into my time.

But now the classes are over and now I have much more time to devote to my work. This summer will be fun and interesting!


One of my guilty pleasures is reality television, especially the kind in which there is competition for some sort of prize. Whether it's a recording contract, a new job, or simply bragging rights, these contestants will do just about anything to win.

Two posts ago, I discussed American Idol and even presented a "top 12" to compete alongside the show's real singers. Now, I turn my attention to other reality-type game shows. Throughout my book, there are characters who would put the reality wannabes to shame. They also have the aura of authenticity that the rest of the cast would not have.

Here are the rest of my "game opera" (hat tip: Steve Beverly, Union University) all-star team.

• America's Got Talent: Think Sarah Boyle was the hottest thing going? Wait until she is challenged by the likes of magician Brett Bartlett, jump-rope R&B singers McPitter and McPatter, bagpiper Kimberly MacMootry, and the jazz group Three Hot Mikes. The first three can be found on page 116 and the last on pages 193 and 194. (OK, so Boyle was on Britain's Got Talent. As NASCAR crew chief Larry McReynolds says, "Same but different.")
• America's Next Top Model: The inspirational story of BooTeasha Baltimore is told on pages 95-97. She rose from poverty in Mississippi to represent beauty and self-determination by modeling clothes she made herself from scratch. I could have also put her on Project Runway, but I feel that ANTM is the more challenging show for her because she has to learn to be "fierce" - probably a word for inner toughness - on that program.
• Dancing with the Stars: Brandon McLamb (chapters 2 and 9) is so enamored with fame that he goes from publicizing stars to joining them in competition! His preferred partner is Julianne Hough, but if Hough is about to leave the show again to focus on country music, he's willing to settle for Lacey Schwimmer.
  
• Hell's Kitchen: Rhonda Wolfeschlagelsteinhausenbergerdorff (page 116) is just what the show needs. She faces the unenviable task of listening to all the shrillness of Gordon Ramsay, but she does it with a smile. Not only that, Rhonda could help all the other contestants calm down.
• So You Think You Can Dance: Michaelanne Muellerleile (page 30) has a Hollywood-type name ("related" to Marianne, who really exists) and a ballet background.
  
• Survivor: Wilburn Baldridge, who I mention briefly in chapter 13, represents all those who live off the land in Idealia; he would be apt to place in the hostile environments used on this program. However, his chances could be sabotaged if he is too honest and gracious in playing the game. (Coincidence: one of the show's editors is named Brian Barefoot. No kidding. If you have a tape of the show, stop and look for the credits.)
• The Amazing Race: Laura and Heather Boogerberger, who debut on page 101, would be perfect for this show. The twins ("pictured" with this post) can make history, as no team of two females have ever won the race and the $1 million grand prize that goes along with it. Even if they don't win, they would be great ambassadors from the ideal world to the real world, and that as they say is priceless.
  
• The Bachelor: I put Dylan Bryan-Brown in federal prison at the end of my book, but then he gets out on good behavior and part of his "community service" is finding one of 25 women to share the rest of his life with. I hope this goes better than just about every other season of this program.

I will not cast Big Brother since the show is low-quality and full of aspiring actors who have turned it into improvisational theater. There are other shows, but they are on little-watched cable/satellite networks, are highly specialized, or both.

What do you think of this post or any of my others so far? Please click the comments link and let me know. Keep it clean, please.

Welcome!

This is the new "official" site of the people, events, and concepts as shown in the book The Buddy Wayne Chronicles by Desmond Hobson. It is, as mentioned above, their continuing story.

For more information or to order the book, visit the Amazon.com page.

There is also buddywaynebarefoot.com, which is the original publicity site for the book. It also contains additional content on selected characters, and a supplemental blog maintained by the author, called "The Reality Check Blog." That blog is not affiliated with Blogger.


If you are not familiar with the book, here's the story:
Buddy Wayne Barefoot is a typical Southern country boy who loved NASCAR racing and country music, among other things. In an unprecedented career, he wins both the NASCAR championship and a number of music awards. But his life becomes burdened and he looks for an escape.

One night, after a TV show he hosts, called My Ideal World, he boards a charter plane. It is involved in a bizarre accident and Buddy lands amidst the clouds in a section of Heaven called Idealia. (In fact, this was to be idealia.blogspot.com, but that was already taken.) There he discovers a strange land of rural living and pre-modern technology. However, Buddy realizes that this is where he wanted to be all along! The reasons are, among other things, the relaxed pace and timeless family values.

The rest of the book includes a visit with his best friend, Bubba Ray Lumpkin, a romance with a bluegrass singer curiously named Brittany Spears, cousin Bunky and his plans to remake Idealia with the help of a real-estate mogul; and one final auto race in which all his dreams may well come true.