Bunky prepares for his new musical career

Since my first cousin Bunky arrived at our house, he has found it hard to get used to a place without the modern lifestyle that he was not only used to, but he also loved and insisted on.  He has confided to me that he thought the idea of heaven was to live a life of luxury, with a home in Monte Carlo (his favorite city in the world), a few cars, and the best in food, clothes, and entertainment around the clock.

With that not available, Bunky was angry at first, but as time has passed he has accepted it more and more.  The many people Bunky has lived with have helped him and encouraged him, most of all his sister Brandy and cousin Hambone (Reba Pearl).  Hambone has even taught him a good Southern accent!  (The reason Bunky didn't have one before is that he adapted the speech pattern of her mother Laurie, who was born and raised in Chicago.)

I firmly believe that a huge turning point came this past Christmas, when, as already reported, Bunky received a new set of musical instruments that allows him to be a one-man band.  He can now play harmonica, keyboard, guitar, and drums with the same equipment.  Bunky has always loved to play the drums, so this gift will make him even a better musician.

Since then, Bunky has practiced hard and put together a few songs.  Tomorrow night, at the weekly talent show, he will debut the new act for the first time.  He even has a new stage name - Bunky the One Man Band, or B.O.M.B.  That fits; after all, to me he will always be the bomb.:)

As for what he will play, it will be some original songs and some covers; based on his preferences, I expect it to be a mix of rock, country, and maybe some R&B.  Whatever it is, the spotlights will be on and I have all faith that he will be ready.

Break a leg, Bunky!

BMN Superfan - episode 4, season 1

Show title: "The Kids Stay in the Picture"

As the show begins, it's apparent that it has turned into a battle of the sexes - and Anna "Lil' Bit" Granthum's big move in the game last week is responsible.  Jeff Porter reminds us that two men went home from the last challenge, and vows revenge on behalf of the remaining guys on this episode.  Meanwhile, Lil' Bit claims the four women have created an alliance until the end of the season, "then we'll figure out who wins the whole thing."

The opening challenge for this episode, which takes place at the parking lot of PNC Arena in Raleigh, is described as "tic-tac-toe, with a twist."  Although the nine remaining contestants are arranged in three rows of three each, it is actually a head-to-head trivia showdown.  One contestant picks another; after that, Hambone reads a statement.  It is the job of the one picked to discern whether or not the statement is true. If the guess is right, the challenger stays in the game, the opponent is out, and the challenger picks the next opponent.  If the guess is wrong, the opponent takes out the challenger and selects who answers the next question.  (For examples of the statements, see this prior post and this one.)  Early in the game, Lil' Bit challenges Lindsay Hall; the Army sergeant feels betrayed thinking she was part of the alliance Lil' Bit was putting together.  In the end, it came down to this statement: "I, not actor James Cagney, was the first person to utter your phrase 'You dirty rat!' in the mass media."  Jeff, believing the popular misconception, guessed wrong, giving the challenge win to Frankie Meadows.

Host Shandi Finnessey then reveals the next challenge: a photo shoot set at the Barefoots' rural residence, to occur in the arena concourse.  The scenario is that a fictional magazine called Good Living has come to the family home to make a cover story about everyday life on the farm.  During the photo shoot, contestants will be superimposed on a "green screen" and asked to blend in with their subjects by posing from certain spots behind the screen.  They will be judged on technique, entertainment value, and co-operation with the photography staff.

The nine contestants will be placed in trios and will compete among their groups.  The best from each group will be safe, while the worst will be up for elimination.  Frankie chooses to organize them according to vertical columns on the tic-tac-toe board they just sat in.  The teams then randomly selected the photo shoots at which they will participate.  Here are the results:

• Left column (Frankie, Lindsay, Brittany Ramos) - Common room, Jennifer gives them foot massages
• Middle column (Jeff, Lil' Bit, Jake Stubblebine) - Treehouse, Bryson rides piggyback on them
• Right column (Megan Turnipseed, Josh LoMonico, Dustin Plunkett) - Mud pit, Playing in mud with Hambone, Brandy, and Bunky

Of course, the process is interesting.  Dustin is slow to adopt it, as he keeps looking for holes in which to poke his body, Megan compares it to going on a photo shoot at a modeling agency, and Jeff is concerned it'll look like Bryson broke his back.

As the day ends, the contestants return to the Baymont Inn and Suites to review their pictures and go through the judging.  The guest judge is Ken Tart, a photographer based in Benson, NC.  Frankie is singled out for grimacing on his cover, with the caption "Foot Care Can Be Fun."  "This makes absolutely no sense, unless it's for satirical purposes" according to Matt Rogers.  Also in the judging, Brandon compliments Megan by saying that if this show doesn't work out, she can always try out for America's Next Top Model.

The group leaders are judged to be Brittany, Jeff, and Megan.  From this group, Megan is declared the overall winner; her superimposed cover will go on sale in the Barefoot family's online store.  The last-place contestants are Frankie, Lil' Bit, and Dustin.  Frankie is eliminated, largely because the judges cannot take their minds off the juxtaposition between Frankie's apparently dour appearance compared to the text on the cover.  And speaking of other reality shows, Lil' Bit was reminded that this show is not like Survivor, in which the judges alone decide who goes home, not the other contestants.

Show notes

• The caption on Jen's cover has already been mentioned.  Bryson's caption is "The Ride of His Life."  The three young adults' caption is "Muddy Buddies."  On the top banner of all of them is "Your Guide to the Best Farmers' Markets."  On the bottom of the page is "Special Report: Why We Love the Land."
• "Megan Turnipseed" is "played" by former University of Alabama golfer Brooke Pancake, who made her professional debut at the 2012 U.S. Women's Open.

You might be a Hambone

When I came to my new family home for the first time, I knew that I would meet relatives I didn't know I had, and deal with all of their characteristics, good and bad.  One of those relatives is Reba Pearl, Popeye's and Annie's youngest daughter, who everyone calls "Hambone."

The good things about her are that she is naturally beautiful, loves to smile, and makes friends easily.  She is as comfortable around her parents as around Brandy and Bunky, who are nearly the same age and who live on a lower floor.

But Hambone isn't exactly the sharpest tool in the shed.  In fact, she believes so many false, ridiculous, and dumb things that an expression has been coined around her, a nod to comedian Jeff Foxworthy's famous line, "You might be a redneck."  Here, we call it...well, I shall illustrate with examples:

• If you've ever tried to eat your own boogers and poo, you might be a Hambone.
• If you believe Alecia "Pink" Moore is a lingerie model, you might be a Hambone.
• If you think a "Rick roll" is done in lumberjack competitions, you might be a Hambone.
• If you think people wear birthday suits to their birthday parties, you might be a Hambone.
• If you only watch the bad auditions on American Idol, you might be a Hambone.
• If you ask someone, "Gimme some blow" and expect to get bubble gum in return, you might be a Hambone.
• If you associate One Direction with a third-world dictatorship, you might be a Hambone.
• If you associate "checks and balances" with a bank, and "separation of powers" with a comic-book dispute, you might be a Hambone.
• If you've ever contacted a company to try to arrange a meeting with a spokesperson from its commercials, you might be a Hambone.
• If you think ESPN is a channel for psychics, and BET one for gamblers, you might be a Hambone.
• If you agree with Jessica Simpson that buffalo wings are made from bison, you might be a Hambone.
• If you think the "big bang theory" has something to do with home runs, you might be a Hambone.
• If you associate "natural selection" with the produce aisle, you might be a Hambone.

Bottom line is, I still love her!  And I'm sure she loves me back.

BMN Superfan - episode 3, season 1

The remaining contestants come to Brier Creek Lake, where 11 "treehouses" are set up above the shoreline.  The object of this opening challenge is simple: hang above the water as long as possible.  However, it's not as easy as it looks; producers move the seats back and forth, spray simulated rain on the seats, and even raise the seats at intervals.  Anna "Lil' Bit" Granthum overcomes the obstacles the best to win the challenge.  Dustin Plunkett injures his right elbow due to falling into the water at an awkward angle, but is checked out and is OK. 

Overnight, Anna leads the entire house in a popular song, something about handshakes, hand slapping, and things like that.  In confessional, Lil' Bit says that the mood of the house is better since Ivey McClelland and Barbie Blank have been eliminated.

The next day, Shandi Finnessey comes back to explain their next challenge: make licensed T-shirts in honor of one of three family members.  Three teams will be formed, two of them with four members and the other with just three.  Once they are formed, one of them will be assigned to Popeye, the second to Bryson, and the third to Jennifer.  Teams have only eight hours to design the shirt and send it to a T-shirt manufacturer, which will make prototypes.  The next day, the shirts will be worn by models at a public fashion show and presented for judging.  After that, not one but two superfans will go home.

As winner of the first challenge,  Lil' Bit was given the right to pick all three teams, and not surprisingly she puts together the team of the only women left, then divides the men among the two other squads.  A random draw determined for whom the shirts would be designed:

• Lil' Bit, Brittany Ramos, Megan Turnipseed, Sgt. Lindsay Hall - Bryson
• Jeff Porter, Dustin, Josh LoMonico, Brendon Bump - Jennifer
• Jake Stubblebine, Mikel de Vries, Frankie Meadows - Popeye

At the start of the challenge, teams see an uploaded video message in which Popeye, Bryson, and Jennifer specify what they are looking for in the finished product.  Also, during the challenge, Ross Bennett (contestant on the NBC series Fashion Star in 2012) comes by to help the teams and give them feedback.

The design and shirt manufacture take place at Research Triangle Park, while the show occurs at the Streets at Southpoint, a shopping mall in Durham.  At the mall show, three different versions are modeled by young aspirants - a standard size, a womens' size, and a youth size.  Here are the resulting designs:

• Bryson's shirt has him in coveralls with a cowboy hat on top, holding a lasso; a barn is in the background.
• Jennifer's shirt is highlighted by meteors (shooting stars) in rainbow colors, dropped onto a green meadow from a sky that also has a half-moon.
• Popeye's shirt has a bunch of stars just about the waist, with a thick line above it, and a picture of a bass boat on the top left chest.  All are in yellow with a blue background.

Popeye, Bryson, and Jennifer all attend; all of them appear pleased by what they see.

On the night of the show, the judging from Bennett, Brandon McLamb, and Matt Rogers comes.  At that point, the verbal battle begins.  Bennett accuses the design team behind Jennifer's shirt of making a "perverse mix of 1960s hippies and 1980s Zubaz."  Brendon tries to turn it into a joke: "Then think of it as a tribute to the barefoot family."  Unfortunately for him, no one laughs.  Jeff adds, "It wasn't supposed to look that bad.  I blame the people at the shop for not reading the instructions carefully."  "That...is...no...excuse," McLamb responds.  Judges also pan the design made for Popeye, saying that there are too many graphical elements.  Mikel acknowledges that the busy design was his idea, but adds, "They asked me to do it because I was the only one who knew how."  Only the girls' team making the shirt for Bryson draws mainly positive reviews.  Bennett praised the design for being crisp, concise, and the proper use of personal symbols.  Of course, that shirt design wins and will be available for sale at the Barefoot family website's online store.  Lil' Bit breaks Brittany's streak of individual wins and now inherits immunity.


The two losing teams then face the judges separately.  Jeff and Brendon continue to squabble over their design.  Eventually, Brendon, the Kansas preacher's son, is sent home largely as punishment for his inane joke.  Also sent home is Mikel the South African model, blamed for his poor design on the Popeye shirt.

Where Popeye has been

Since the end of the harvest, Popeye hasn't been home as much as he usually is.  That's because he's been hanging out with other family members, all of whom I didn't even know he had!

It all started last summer, when Popeye brought in his brother, Nokelee, to help complete a retractable tent on top of our porch to allow us to use it year-round.  Similar to the roofs now found in some sports stadia, it can be closed during bad and cold weather (remember that we have lots of thunderstorms here), and can be opened on beautiful and clear nights, which occur mostly in late spring and early summer.

Then, over Christmas, as I reported, he brought in all eight of his brothers and sisters, and they in turn brought most of their families.  Now, he visits their homes about once a week, in part to make sure they have companionship and in part to fill out what otherwise would be idle hours caused by a reduction in his schedule on the farm.

Alonzo Hoyt Barefoot, who has a resurrection age of 58, was actually born 80 years ago - May 11, 1933.  His parents were Handy Barefoot and Parlia Ross.  In addition to Popeye and Nokelee, Handy and Parlia had sons Noah, Landon, and Labell, daughters Mattie, Mahala, Minnie, and Etta Bell, 13 grandchildren, and 14 great-grandchildren.  The children live in separate houses in different neighborhoods of Heaven, outside Idealia but within the political boundaries of the Confederacy.  Specifically, Nokelee and Noah live together with their families, as do Landon and Labell.  The daughters live with their husbands who have different last names.

Popeye loves to talk about them, and recently as he was rattling off the names of the distant relatives, he gave out the name of Matthew, Labell's grandson.  He then asked me if he remembered the scene at Rockingham Speedway after I won my first NASCAR Sprint Cup title.  "Of course I do, very well," I responded.  Popeye then told me that there was a freckled-faced, redheaded boy that somehow snuck into the victory celebration.  That was already in the back of my mind; however, I never knew the boy's name.  "That was your cousin Matt," Popeye told me with surprise in his voice and a twinkle in his eye.  And in that moment, I shared that sense of pleasant, unbridled surprise.

That's why I'm so glad Popeye came into my life when I was a little boy and has stayed there ever since.  And now I see him and talk to him every day, forever and ever.

BMN Superfan - episode 2, season 1

Episode title: "Diva Disaster"

Twelve contestants remain, and their first stop this week is the Peeler Family Dairy, just south of Hillsborough in Orange County, NC.  Placed in pairs, the opening task is to milk six of the cows the family raises for sale to dairies and meat markets throughout the region.  (The challenge was inspired by a scene from an episode of Gone Barefoot in which Hambone and Brandy team up to milk a cow from different sides.)  Brittany and Lil' Bit have the highest combined total of milk and win the challenge, and are named as captains for the next immunity challenge.

That challenge takes place at the conference space of the Baymont Inn and Suites.  The room has been split in two; one team will serve 75 people at a party themed after "boys' night out," the other will serve 75 people at a party themed after "girls' night out."  For this, the contestants are put on two teams of six and given various assignments, including cooking and serving the food, decorating their spaces, and organizing activities for the guests.  Here are the teams:

• Brittany (who had the first pick) invited Jeff, Josh, Frankie, Lindsay, and Brendon
• Lil' Bit chose Barbie, Megan, Mikel, Jake, and Dustin

Bit chooses the girls' night out event to organize, leaving Brittany with boys' night out.

Food items are purchased at A Southern Season, a gourmet food store in Chapel Hill, which provides two buffet menus.  Brittany selects a menu of lamb chops, wild rice, fresh vegetables, and corn muffins, and butter pecan ice cream; Lil' Bit's menu consists of barbeque ribs, baked sweet potatoes, hush puppies, garden and pasta salads, and cheesecake.

Throughout the night, guests play old-style board games, make elementary craft projects, and sit down to dinner.  After the guests leave, the judges check out both the food and the organization to make their decisions.  Neither team had an clear advantage in the quality of food, the judges concede, so it came down to organization.  The judges agree that Team Brittany had a better atmosphere at its party and gave its guests more to do.  Therefore, Team Brittany is judged as the winning team, and Brittany herself is rewarded by winning immunity for the second straight time.

With the winning team gone, the discussion as to who should go home among the losing team heats up.  Lil' Bit accused Barbie of a sense of entitlement, due to her being a WWE "diva."  She also named Barbie as who she would send home if she had a vote.  So did Dustin, who claimed that Barbie gave her suggestive looks because of his disability, which Barbie denied.  On the other hand, Barbie wants to send home Lil' Bit, saying that if Brittany was rewarded with immunity for captaining the winning team, Bit should be punished for leading the losing team.  Megan and Dustin are also cited, due to complaints about undercooked ribs.  In the end, the judges - Brandon McLamb, Matthew Rogers, Michael Griffin Barefoot (founder and former owner of A Southern Season, not directly related to family), and Andi Van Willigan (sous chef on the Fox series Hell's Kitchen) - eliminate Barbie from the competition.  "I don't care what your station in life is, if you can't humble yourself to play this game, you don't belong," McLamb snaps.

At the end of the program, the following message appeared: "On September 28, 2012, Barbie "Kelly Kelly" Blank was released by WWE.  WWE officials insist that this decision had no connection to her participation in this program."  (The show was taped at the end of August and into September.)

(Photo of Barbie "Kelly Kelly" Blank courtesy WWE.com)

Winter on the Barefoot farm

With all the holidays over, it's time for us to return to the usual patterns of our lives throughout the  winter.  Here, I will detail our daily activities on the farm, which varies from the rest of the year since the land is fallow and crops will not be grown again for another 10 weeks or so.

Regardless of the season, the animals still have to be fed and otherwise taken care of.  In fact, this is the time of year where more activity centers on the barn than ever, as the animals want to stay inside away from the chill.  Calves, piglets, and other baby animals are being developed and fattened until they are slaughtered in the spring.  Meanwhile, hay bales keep them warm every night.  Of course, the year-round activities like milking cows and collecting bees will continue.

The children go to the one-room schoolhouse from 8 a.m. to 3 p.m., Monday through Friday.  On Saturday, Belinda and Bryson stay home, but are encouraged to do more homework and other outside reading.

At first, it would appear that keeping the water warm for bathing, dishwashing, and other uses would be a problem without an indoor plumbing system.  But that's not the case!  Our bathtub is located in an outer room built over a natural hot spring, so the water we gather never gets cold.  In addition,  the hand-cranked washing machine is moved next to the fireplace and stove so that the water remains warm.  Finally, the clothesline is relocated to an indoor shed if it rains - or even snows, as rarely happens! - outside.

The cold weather also affects how we play.  Since we stay indoors more often, we have longer sessions of indoor games - card, dice, board and so on.  Popeye especially looks forward to winter because he has mastered so many of them, including bunco, at which he is especially good.  The children use the time to play traditional games, puppet shows, and dress-up and theme parties when there is time away from class.  Since Belinda and Bryson are the only two residents of the youngest age group in the house, classmates and cousins have been invited to make sure there are enough people to play.

Oh, and there's one more thing we're doing this winter.  We're preparing Brandy for the Miss Idealia contest to take place in late January!  It's her debut representing the Barefoot family and we're excited about it.

BMN Superfan - episode 1, season 1

Episode title: "You Are Who You Think You Are"

The 13 contestants meet at a hotel near Raleigh/Durham International Airport.  From there, they immediately travel to Research Triangle Park, where the first challenge takes place: each of them stands in front of a podium and, using a touchscreen, place the family members in order from oldest to youngest in as fast a period of time as possible.  Jeff Porter wins with a time of 22.8 seconds. Lindsay Hall is second, and Jake Stubblebine is third.   Jeff also gains an advantage for the next day's main challenge.

That night, the cast visits the hotel for the first time.  Jeff and Lindsay admit to being friends over their shared medical training, and Ivey McClelland is shown to be low on energy as she takes the medication she needs to treat her lupus.

As the next day begins, the superfans gather at the W.J. Barefoot Auditorium in Benson for the main challenge: make a skit in which they act out the life of a family member, selected at random.  The skit can last for no more than one minute, and the contestants must copy the voice, facial expressions, and other mannerisms of that member, while at the same time presenting a fact about him or her that preferably is not well-known to most of the viewers in the audience.  Oh, and they must do so while wearing his or her dream Halloween costume. The order of the draw was in the same order as their performance in the touchscreen challenge.

Portrayals

• Anna (Lil' Bit) Granthum = Belinda, Alice from Alice's Adventures in Wonderland
• Ivey = Hambone, bitch (female dog)
• Barbie Blank = Brandy, Scarlett O'Hara in hockey jersey
• Lindsay = Jennifer, Little Bo Peep
• Megan Turnipseed = Brenda, Rebecca Randall (Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm)
• Brittany Ramos = Annie, angel
• *Jeff = B.W., Army private
• Jake = Popeye, David Crockett
• *Josh LoMonico = B.R., traditional farm clothes, bobbing for apples
• Frankie Meadows = Bryson, cowboy
• Brendon Bump = Ralph, Elvis Presley
• Mikel De Vries = Bunky, James Bond
• Dustin Plunkett = Harvey, vampire 

*Jeff drew B.R. and Josh B.W. originally, but Jeff changed characters as part of winning the earlier challenge, trading with Josh

After the performances, the judging panel (Brandon McLamb, Matt Rogers and stand-up comedian Barney Laughinghouse) meet to discuss.  They unanimously agree that Ivey did the worst job; not only was she not funny, she claimed that Hambone got her given name - Reba Pearl - from country music divas Reba McEntire and Minnie Pearl.  Since both became famous after Hambone was born into her first life, this is not possible.  (Worse, Ivey put a hat with a label, similar to what Minnie Pearl wore on stage, on top of her dog costume.)  Also given bad marks where Jeff ("he made the most exciting Barefoot family member into one of the most boring") and Barbie ("given that she plays someone else in WWE every night [200 nights a year, she told the judges] I expected a world-class performance and I didn't get it.")  On the other hand, the standouts were Megan ("her cheerleader radiance shown and I was transformed into Brenda's world"), Frankie ("he may be 40, but captured the childlike innocence of Bryson well") and Brittany ("turned Annie from overlooked into the star of the show").  Brittany is deemed the winner and will receive immunity the next time there is an elimination challenge.  Ivey's obvious poor effort results in her elimination, but not before she shows delusional behavior in front of the judges, denying that he lied about the origin of Hambone's given name.  In the post-show confessional, she apologizes to Hambone for the contents of her skit, and appears to be tearful in doing it.

("Barney" is Austin Barefoot, resident of San Clemente, CA)