You might be a Hambone

When I came to my new family home for the first time, I knew that I would meet relatives I didn't know I had, and deal with all of their characteristics, good and bad.  One of those relatives is Reba Pearl, Popeye's and Annie's youngest daughter, who everyone calls "Hambone."

The good things about her are that she is naturally beautiful, loves to smile, and makes friends easily.  She is as comfortable around her parents as around Brandy and Bunky, who are nearly the same age and who live on a lower floor.

But Hambone isn't exactly the sharpest tool in the shed.  In fact, she believes so many false, ridiculous, and dumb things that an expression has been coined around her, a nod to comedian Jeff Foxworthy's famous line, "You might be a redneck."  Here, we call it...well, I shall illustrate with examples:

• If you've ever tried to eat your own boogers and poo, you might be a Hambone.
• If you believe Alecia "Pink" Moore is a lingerie model, you might be a Hambone.
• If you think a "Rick roll" is done in lumberjack competitions, you might be a Hambone.
• If you think people wear birthday suits to their birthday parties, you might be a Hambone.
• If you only watch the bad auditions on American Idol, you might be a Hambone.
• If you ask someone, "Gimme some blow" and expect to get bubble gum in return, you might be a Hambone.
• If you associate One Direction with a third-world dictatorship, you might be a Hambone.
• If you associate "checks and balances" with a bank, and "separation of powers" with a comic-book dispute, you might be a Hambone.
• If you've ever contacted a company to try to arrange a meeting with a spokesperson from its commercials, you might be a Hambone.
• If you think ESPN is a channel for psychics, and BET one for gamblers, you might be a Hambone.
• If you agree with Jessica Simpson that buffalo wings are made from bison, you might be a Hambone.
• If you think the "big bang theory" has something to do with home runs, you might be a Hambone.
• If you associate "natural selection" with the produce aisle, you might be a Hambone.

Bottom line is, I still love her!  And I'm sure she loves me back.