Friday, November 30, 2012

Some personal news and notes

Once again, I didn't spend much time thinking about what to write for this column, as school and other commitments got in the way again.  However, there are a few things I want to bring up:
  • Shortly after I finished the milkmaid photo (two weeks ago today), I began work on a "family photo" which will feature all 13 family members outside their beautiful country home.  Of course, I am doing this during Photoshop class at ABC Adult School, which I thoroughly enjoy.  I wish I could do Photoshop at home, but the program is too expensive for my budget ($300 even at a student discount) and I don't know if my computer has enough memory for the complex program.
  • Here's something B.W. would be proud of: Drew Herring, a real driver who shares a hometown with the made-up three-time champion in NASCAR's top series, has a title of his own - sort of.  He was one of six drivers of the #18 team in the Nationwide Series, which won the owners' points championship and was honored recently at a banquet in Miami Beach.  (This is separate from the drivers' title won by Ricky Stenhouse, Jr.)  The 25-year-old Herring started once in the NNS this year, finishing and starting fourth at Kentucky Speedway in September.  For the record, the other five drivers were Joey Logano, Denny Hamlin, Michael McDowell, Mark Martin, and Ryan Truex.
  • Real-life Barefoots did pretty well in the recent Best of Harnett County awards presented by the Daily Record newspaper.  Shelby, a department store salesperson, won for Best Clerk.  Daniel, Dina, and Ashley are all members of the Dunn Police Department (Best Police Force), while Josh is part of Dunn Emergency Services (Best Fire Department and Best Rescue Squad).  Finally, Barefoot's Auto Mart, owned by Shelton, won for Best Used Cars for the 25th straight year (wow!).  There was also one third-place finish, by Jason for Best Plumber.

Saturday, November 24, 2012

What if their lives were TV shows?

Just because the Barefoot family doesn't have electricity or running water wouldn't necessarily mean that their lives couldn't make for great television.  After all, the real-life Duggars of Tontitown, AR don't watch TV, yet they've allowed TLC to film their lives for years, and they are the stars of one of the network's most popular shows!

So what if their lives were indeed TV shows?  Well, one can begin with Buddy Wayne: Coming Home, a documentary series about how my title character is adjusting to his life without privilege, and how his family and friends are helping him along the way.

Of course, inevitable success would lead to at least one spin-off.  In fact, what is to say that B.W. makes a whole network out of it, as Oprah Winfrey and "televangelist" Jimmy Swaggart have done? In fact, I have conceived of an entire TV channel called Barefoot Media Network (BMN).  Here are the program descriptions:

Annie’s Book Club
In the absence of TV, a common form of entertainment is to listen as people read from popular books and newspaper articles.  Gillie Ann Barefoot does just that on this series.
At Home With Brenda
Brenda Barefoot, the family’s leading housewife, shares recipes, crafts, and household chores.  She will have occasional guests from which she can learn to do her jobs better.
Belinda’s Doll House
Belinda Barefoot, adorable and bright, uses her extensive doll collection to tell traditional children’s stories and invent new ones.
Bluegrass Barn Dance
In the tradition of the Grand Ole Opry and the Carter Family Fold, the Spears Family Band hosts this concert and weekly dance from their homestead, in a beautiful area resembling the Appalachia that has been sadly lost due to industrialization.  (Brittany L. Spears is B.W.’s former wife.)
BMN: Best of the Week
Missed any of the exciting programs Barefoot Media Network TV carries?  Watch (or record) this two-hour block on weekend mornings.
Boys’ Night Out
The six oldest males (B.W., Bobby, Popeye, Ralph, Harvey, and Bunky) play games, tell stories, and have fun after a hard day’s work at the farm.
Buddy Wayne: Coming Home
This is the flagship show of the network.  It is the weekly story of Buddy Wayne Barefoot, the only person ever to win both a major sports championship and a major entertainment award.  But one day, he is swept away to a new world, one without electricity, running water, or other modern features.  Under the circumstances, he leans on his family and friends to help see him through his new life - and learns values that last forever.
Bunky’s Talent Roundup
Britton Lee “Bunky” Barefoot, the family’s irrepressible teenager, invites the entire family to show their entertainment side.  See B.W.’s best-selling guitar solos, Annie’s piano prowess, the Barefoot Boys’ Southern gospel, Bunky’s drumming and comedy, Hambone’s making music with her body, and more.
Classic TV blocks
These shows are of special interest to the Barefoot family.  The older members grew up on them, and the younger ones yearned to see them.
  • Weekdays features The Andy Griffith Show, The Beverly Hillbillies, Little House on the Prairie, and Matlock.
  • On weekends, the Western classics The Big Valley and Bonanza are seen back-to-back.
Do Anything with Harvey
Harvey Barefoot shows how to make a wide variety of projects, from woodcarvings and dolls to mule’s shoes and copper pots.
Family Church Services/Church Sing-a-Long
The Rev. Ralph Barefoot is pastor during three weekly services.  Sunday at 11 a.m. is the traditional observance.  The Sunday night service is a sing-along similar to those common in rural churches years ago, based on the shape-note concept.  Wednesday is largely a Bible study session.
Family Game Night
Board games and trivia mark Friday nights at the Barefoot farm house.
Gettin’ Out with Ralph
Ralph Barefoot, who is the family’s master at hunting, fishing, and outdoor life, shares his unique adventures from the “back 40.”
Girls’ Night Out
The five oldest females (Brenda, Jennifer, Annie, Hambone, and Brandy) participate in quilting bees, make homemade crafts, sing, and tell stories.
In the Treehouse with Bryson
The other children’s show stars the youngest resident, Bryson.  By using play and interaction with B.W., Belinda, and his school friends, Bryson learns all about the life he never lived before and does so in an amusing way.
Popeye’s Memory Lane
Alonzo Barefoot tells old family and community stories from some two centuries of Barefoot clan life in North Carolina.
Religious blocks
These programs represent the moral compass that has guided the Barefoots’ lives for decades.
  • Weekday mornings feature old programs from J. Vernon McGee and Joyce Meyer, rerun episodes of Life Today and feature segments from The 700 Club, and highlights of crusades from Billy Graham and Jimmy Swaggart.
  • On weekend mornings, Rev. Lyman Bowling, the official leader of the new Confederacy, gives services broadcast from the Virginia hills.  This is followed by the “Sunday school” block: Bible Bowl, Davey & Goliath, The Flying House, and Superbook.
Shootin’ the Breeze
Every Monday night, all 11 residents aged 15 and older come together at a communal table to eat and talk.  Everyone is expected to speak their mind freely about all things past, present, and future, both within their family and the outside world.
Various programs
Once a week, BMN presents related programs from other families (McLambs, Ribbles, Bowlings, etc.), holiday shows (Easter, Christmas, etc.), or other one-time specials.  (The Bowlings are in this post.  I wrote about the Ribbles in Chapter 4 of my book.  Billy Bob Ribble [formerly Bryant] is a legendary football player and bull rider, while his wife Krista is a barrel racer.  Billy Bob saved Krista from drowning when both were young.)

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

B.W.'s big holiday reunion


I am writing you from the Spears house in a beautiful hillside setting, where I am wrapping up a very special holiday visit.

This trip was the first time that I saw my beloved wife, Brittany Lynnette Spears, since we were separated in the aftermath of the Glorious Appearance.  At the time we were set apart, I had the proverbial mixed emotions.  On other hand, Brittany was (and still is) the love of my life, the woman I had always dreamed of - and did everything in my power to make sure I married her.  On the other hand, she has always been part of a family that has been together not only personally but professionally, and as sad as she is not to see me every day, I trust that she has been just as happy seeing them every day.  And both of us knew that some day we would meet again.  This Thanksgiving, it has finally happened.

First of all, I must say that my original marriage to Shayla McLamb is, without question, the most regrettable mistake of my life.  It was a good idea at the time: both families have lived in adjoining tracts of land in North Carolina since at least the 1820s, and some of us from both clans have married over the years.  The symbolism of our marriage was magnified by my fame as a NASCAR champion and award-winning recording artist, and her own singing career which was just getting started.

However, a few years later, a competition show called Sing for the World began.  Backstage, during the first live show at CBS Television City in Los Angeles, I met Brittany for the first time.  She was everything I wanted a woman to be: beautiful round face, bubbly personality, humble and sweet girl next door, lover of God and family.  Oh, and I felt for her, as she was picked on for nearly having the same name as Britney Spears, the global pop star.  (But with all due respect, Brittany is a much better singer.) 

At that point, I realized that I should have waited for her, rather than enter into marriage with Shayla as quickly as I did.  The divorce was a long, drawn-out process, left Shayla understandably bitter, and left me on the outs with everyone in the McLamb family except Brandon.  (For more on this subject, see chapter 9 of the book. - D.H.) 

Nevertheless, I carried on the relationship.  On finale night of that show, I thought it was time to propose.  She had just turned 18, and I thought for sure it would be a long shot to have her accept.  But in a true moment of surprise, she accepted.  However, as a consequence of blowing about $300,000 on my first marriage, leaving me nothing for another proper ceremony, I ended up marrying Brittany in the middle of their barn in front of only a few people.

When I opened the door to the Spears' battered but serviceable farm house, it was as if we had never parted.  The embrace we had was long and warm, and both of us were crying.  It was the joy that only two intimately related people could share.

Brittany looked somewhat younger than when I met her, as her age was reset to 17 - exactly how old she was when she first appeared on live TV.  She had really been 19 when I married her and 20 when we had our daughter, Blanton Elizabeth, who we also call "Lizzie."  On the other hand, Lizzie was just the adorable little infant she was when I last saw her!  "She's like a living doll, and I look forward to taking care of her every day," Brittany told me.  "The only problem is that I don't get the sleep I would like.  I have to nap a few times a day to make up for it." (Avatar: Infant son of Lindsay Barefoot, name not disclosed)

I also learned some exciting news on this trip: The Spears family band now has four generations of performers in its official lineup!  Breckinridge Spears, the founder of the group known affectionally as "Grandpa Breck," has picked up his mandolin once again.  He had retired from the group full time some years ago, but had continued to perform occasionally until his first life ended.  Also in the band are his sons, Burton and Bartley, both on the washboard; Burton's sons Blanton Sr. (fiddler) and Belcher (banjo), and Blanton Sr.'s children Blanton Jr. (fiddler), Bunch (mandolin), Brashears (string guitar), and Bailey (harmonica).  "Grandpa Breck" and Bunch are occasional vocalists, but of course Brittany handles most of that.  Of course, Lizzie is too young to join them, but loves to dance to the music!

Our Thanksgiving night was memorable.  After a brief prayer service, we had not only the usual food of turkey, ham, stuffing, and cranberry juice, but also meat from deer, raccoon, squirrel, and other wildlife in the mountain area where they live.  Then it was on to the stage built right into their home for a night of singing, playing instruments, and dancing.  We ended the night with our duet, "When the Bough Breaks."  That song was number-one on the American pop and country charts when it was released on my first album after I won the competition.  (On a trivia note, this made Brittany and Britney the first homophone singers to have #1 songs in the U.S.)

It was a great time and no doubt I will see Brittany again soon.  God bless, and happy Thanksgiving to you all.

Saturday, November 17, 2012

This may 'blow' up in Bunky's face

Oops!  It seems that Bunky Barefoot, Buddy Wayne's first cousin and proud prankster, has "hijacked" this blog and is now posting this story, which he insists is true, about a "dirty girl" and her billboard in one of Bunky's favorite cities.  Once the rest of his devout Baptist family sees this, look out! - D.H.


LAS VEGAS - "BLOW ME."

A lovestruck recent high-school graduate has bought space on a 80-foot-high billboard in the middle of the Strip with a clear message that has everyone talking.

Alecia Amy Moore convinced her parents to spend $10,000 on the billboard to commemorate her 18th birthday and it now can be seen outside the Fashion Show Mall across from the Wynn/Encore resort complex.  She did it, she says, to have fun with her name and with her namesake's number one song.  She even went so far as to suit up in a lacy pink dress with a pink cap worn backwards, as the other Moore is known throughout the world as P!nk.

Of course, not everyone is amused.  Not only are there the protests from religious leaders and conservatives in the public eye, but of course P!nk herself is unhappy.  In a statement, she wrote, "'Blow Me (One Last Kiss)' is clearly an angry breakup song in response to an abusive man.  For someone else to twist the message in this perverse way is an outrage."  Harvey Levin of TMZ, himself a former lawyer, replied, "A cease-and-desist order is all but certain here."

Alecia says her parents, after being enraged early on, have finally accepted it.  "I've gotten maybe 1,000 people reach me by phone, tweet, Facebook since this has come up," she told the Las Vegas Review-Journal.  However, she's not looking to join the ranks of local call girls who often pass out small cards to tourists on the Strip.  "I want serious inquiries only!"



Thursday, November 15, 2012

The author's return to school and a new picture


I have now spent two full weeks in my return to ABC Adult School, at which I am taking two classes.  One of them is something called ethical hacking.  In this class, which I am taking in the afternoon, we are learning how hackers illegally break into computer systems.  These tricks are now being used by individuals and companies to help them improve their own security systems.  Our instructor, Bob Takhar, even allows us to do this at home, with the caveat that neither he nor the school will be responsible for any illegal activity that develops.

The other is a Photoshop class I have in the morning.  It is taught by Brady Poirier, who is the hands-down winner of the Howie Mandel lookalike contest at our school!  One of the results of the class is the picture you see here, in which Hambone (Alyssa Barefoot) and Brandy (Amanda Barefoot) are seen milking cows.  I will have more such illustrations ahead, including a "family photo."





As it stands now, Buddy Wayne will have the week off, although I could change that in the next few hours.  If he doesn't resurface, it will be because B.W. is packing to go to the Spears house in the hollows of Idealia.  That's where he'll spend Thanksgiving with his beloved former wife, Brittany Lynnette Spears, or the homophone who has real musical talent.:)

Saturday, November 10, 2012

Bonus post: A real Barefoot family

Although B.W. and his family are symbolic of the Barefoot family in North Carolina, they're by no means alone.  There are some Barefoots in other Southern states like Virginia, South Carolina, Alabama, Mississippi, and Texas, and I've encountered quite a few that live in Canada and England as well.

But the second-highest number of Barefoots in the United States live in Pennsylvania.  These namesakes are descended from the Barfuss family in Germany and have lived in and around Pittsburgh for at least the last 125 years.  There is no direct relationship between the families.

This blog, coincidentally at the same address as this blog, follows the genealogy of these real people.  It includes links to newsletters of their annual reunions, which take place every August.

See also this list of real-life Barefoots of some fame.

Friday, November 9, 2012

Honoring our American veterans

Because of the busy schedule I have had this week, with my return to ABC Adult School for two classes five days a week and an appointment to get a haircut, I haven't given any thought as to what to write for my weekly blog entry.  But this morning, as I ducked into a nearby restaurant during an extended break in classes, I saw ESPN list its employees who had served in the United States military prior to working there.  So that was the spark: Why not make up a similar list of Idealia residents who did the same?

On this Veterans Day weekend, here's a "salute" to all 28 residents who served in the U.S. military during their previous lives.  Thank you for all you've done, and you have deserved your eternal peace.

And I would be remiss in not mentioning my own father, who served in the Marines during the Vietnam War.

Kyle Baldridge - Air Force
Ralph Barefoot - Marines
Blackman Bibb, Jr. - Army
Bunkley Blanks - Air Force
James Boatwright - Coast Guard
Michael Bobo - Marines
Smelley Ray Bobo - Navy
Mary-Taylor Boozer - Army
Adam Bowling - Army
Dwayne Brayboy - Marines
Cody Joe Brookshire - Navy
Danny Bull - Coast Guard
Tyler Butt - Marines
Paul Buzzard - Air Force
Jeremiah Crabtree - Army
Aaron Dingleberry - Marines
Dennis LaBarbour - Army
Laura Laughinghouse - Air Force
Bizzell Littlebridge - Navy
Tommy McBunch - Air Force
LeBuddy McClammy - Army
David McRunnel - Army
Nathaniel Pancake - Navy
Jason Peacock - Army
Patrick Rabbitt - Air Force
David Rapp - Air Force
Rhubarb Spikes - Army
O'Neale Timberlake - Marines

Friday, November 2, 2012

My trip to the leadership conference


This is usually not a tale I would tell this early in the retelling of the B.W. story.  However, with the  U.S. presidential election coming up this coming week, it is the right time for it. - D.H.

This past week, I attended my first leadership conference.  All 67 of the Idealian families have sent their designated heads of household to the sprawling Bowling estate - home of the land's largest family - to share news about our families and improvements as to how to make our lives better.

We began with a welcome speech from Lyman Bowling, lord of the house and the president of Idealia.  (As with all other leadership positions in Heaven, he was appointed by Jesus Christ rather than elected.)  You think I have it tough keeping track of a house with a total of 13 people living there?  Lyman Bowling is the patriarch of a 26-person dwelling, with four different generations under one roof.  The plantation is in a beautiful hillside area, remade into a garden spot after years of degradation that was the result of strip-mining for coal.  The coal was revived into fertilizer for the growth of crops and wildflowers. (Avatar: Bill Bump, Methodist pastor in Kansas)

The family also has some other colorful characters, including Lyman's niece Ella Mae.  She is one of the warmest women I've ever met and I just wish I could take her back to meet Brenda.  Their shared sense of humor and love of domestic arts would make them instant friends.  As it is, Brenda has a copy of her books Ella Mae's 100 Best Quilt Ideas and Ella Mae's 100 Best Recipes.  (Avatar: Mary Beth Hicks, conservative blogger who writes about motherhood)

During our meetings, we agreed that the biggest emphasis should remain balancing the "redneck" and "good ol' boy/belle" sides of our nature.  That means that we would continue to emphasize the parts of culture we love, like country music, bass fishing, hunting, and distinctive drawls, while continuing our bans on the least-favorite parts, like alcohol, tobacco, cussing, and bare-breasted women.  We also agreed to keep flying the Confederate flag, no matter what. 

At the end of the meetings, I earned a special award, Grand Ambassador to the Confederate States of America.  The CSA is the larger political organization of which Idealia is a part, and I was one of five award winners for the whole country.

On the last day, the keynote speakers were Lulabettie and La'BooTeasha Plumpkin (popularly known as Lulu and Boo), originally from the "Black Belt" of central Alabama.  Besides having two of the prettiest personal names I've ever seen, they are activists who have made it their life's mission to preserve, and indeed improve, rural life among African-Americans.  The Plumpkins were maids who immigrated to Chicago, and some of their clients were among the wealthiest citizens of the city.  They used the large sums of money they made to buy property back home, on which they had hoped to build a farm.  But before that could happen, both were killed in a car crash. 

It took their revival at the Glorious Appearing for the Plumpkins to finally get their farm, representing the former slaves who finally got their "40 acres and a mule" as the U.S. government had promised after it beat the Confederate states in the American Civil War.  The farm and farmhouse are popular and receive hundreds of visitors a day, and they have even been invited to come to Africa as guests of local tribes who are also seeking to rebuild their traditional lifestyles. 

In the keynote speech, the mother and daughter did not hold back.  Lulu began by outlining a brief history of African-Americans, from slavery to sharecropping, leading to the "Great Migration" to the cities, and then eventually back to reclaim their old rural lands.  "This is our crystal stair," Lulu said, referring to an old black saying.  "Our legacy of struggle is complete, and now we can celebrate having our own land and fully enjoying the fruits of our labor." Boo added that "little black boys and black girls and little white boys and white girls," to quote Martin Luther King, Jr., "always had more in common than we thought.  Now, no one is there to hold us back or pit us against each other.  All of us are free!"

When the speech ended, just about everyone cried, including me.  (Avatars: Anna McWillie, social activist, Katie Washington, recent graduate with honors, University of Notre Dame)

My emotions continued to run high as the Spears Family Band took the stage at the end of the last session.  Of course, this is the band from which "Bluegrass" Brittany broke out to be a hit performer.  However, she is actually part of a larger group of musicians, dancers, and even a storyteller.  For the first time, all four generations, led by founder "Grandpa Breck" Breckinridge Spears, were on stage in a public show.  I went backstage afterward and confirmed that me, Brenda, and Bryson will visit the Spears homestead for Thanksgiving.

I decided to extend my trip by one day so I could compete against Blake Bowling, one of Lyman and Ella Mae's sons.  The competition was in - what else - bowling.  "I guess when's your name's Bowling, you've gotta be good at it," Blake said simply.  I haven't bowled in over 10 years, so Blake agreed to spot me 50 pins and I got to use bumpers so I didn't have to roll gutter balls.  Nonetheless, I still lost - by 22 pins. (Avatar: Cody Dent, member of the University of Florida baseball team.  He is the son of Bucky Dent, who hit one of the most famous home runs in New York Yankees history as the margin of victory in the 1978 American League Eastern Division tiebreaker game.  The Yanks went on to win the World Series that year.)



The trip ended with one more surprise: Ella Mae gave me two of her legendary quilts to send back to Brenda.  That is so generous of her, as she could easily sell these for hundreds of dollars - each.  I'm sure Brenda will have a wild-eyed, broad-smiled look when she sees them!

I trust that Brenda kept Bryson safe back home, and maybe Popeye also came by to visit.
***********************************************************************************
For the record, here is the entire Bowling family of Idealia: Great-grandfather Lyman and her wife Mildred; their son Lyman Jr., the younger Lyman's wife Malinda, and children Danielle, Deborah, and Michael; Michael's wife Megan and their children Brett, Brittany, Blake and Ryan; grandfather Charles, his wife Peggy Jo, and their children Ella Mae and Tammy Rae; Tammy Rae's husband Tony Sparks and their twin sons Dylan and Ethan; father Andrew, mother Loretta, their children Adam, Amy, and Abby; Adam's wife Juliette and their son Jackson.  The age range is 18 months (Jackson) to 73 years (Lyman).  Lyman Jr. and Charles are brothers, as are Michael and Andrew.

A final disclaimer: They are not related to the Bowling Family, which is a real Southern gospel group.

Thursday, November 1, 2012

B.W.'s reading list

As many of you know, I love to read for pleasure.  I have spent hours at a time at local libraries, Barnes & Noble in Long Beach, and also at Borders in Cerritos before Borders closed completely in 2011.

With that in mind, and also with the lack of available electricity, it should come as no surprise that my "second family's" reading list is extensive.  Here are a few of their favorites:

*The Bible, New King James' Version - Personally, I have the New International Version, but I doubt it would exist in my classical Southern setting (remember it's around 1930).
*Babblejack's Book of World Facts, by Magdalena Babblejack - The British author takes a virtual tour of what the world will look like after the Glorious Appearance.  It includes stories of restored empires like Greece, Rome, and Songhai, newly created countries (like Centralia in America's heartland, Kurdistan in the Middle East, and Transvaal in Africa), and unified nations such as Ireland, Korea, and the Indian subcontinent.  (Oh, and best yet for these Southern "rebels," it also confirms that their Idealian home is part of the new Confederate States of America.)  Since travel itself is much more difficult than before, this is a great "mind's eye" substitute.
*Meet Little Jill Horner and Little Jill Horner Wins The Award, by Belinda Barefoot - Her first book made her the youngest author ever on the best-seller list of The New York Times.  In the books, the main character is a child star who can't handle the pressures of Hollywood, until God and her family intervene to give balance to her life.  The "award" in question in the second book is not what you think it is!  Along the way, Jill has to face down Bettina Bitterbeetle, a drug-addicted movie star on the decline, and Dylan Bryan-Brown, the richest executive in Hollywood.
*Bracegirdle and Codpiece by Laura Rottenborough - The novelist writes about a love story between Delilah Bracegirdle and Rodney Codpiece that began in the Victorian Age in England and is interrupted after Rodney's untimely death.  When they are revived in Heaven, they're reunited in Cape Town, South Africa.  From there, they must solve the mystery of their presence there so they can return home to England.   It's Annie's favorite book and inspires her own budding career.
*Deliver Me From Evil: My Escape From Prostitution by Melanie MacMelville - Before she became a pop singer (and semifinalist on Sing for the World America), MacMelville lived in Las Vegas as a call girl.  Here, she reveals the experience that ended her time as a hooker in one of the most moving books ever written.  It was also adapted into a movie.
*Ella Mae's 100 Best Quilt Ideas and Ella Mae's 100 Best Recipes by Ella Mae Bowling - Both books have indispensable information for the older women in the house.
*Real Barenaked Ladies by Matt Pinfield - The biographical story of the controversial doo-wop vocal group, whose name pokes fun at the all-male Canadian pop band of the same name.  To get past TV censors, the women, Brandy Roderick, Vicky Lynn Hogan, Tara Patrick, and Michelle Mitchell, wore body paint during their appearance on SFTWA.  (These are pictures of four other celebrities whose names I don't know offhand, with Photoshop to simulate a group pose.)  Bunky has read it over and over and over again, much to B.W.'s dismay.  The author is a New York City radio host and former MTV "veejay."