Upcoming: a themed reality game show

As those who have been reading this know, reality competitions - who someone pejoratively called "game operas," a title I have picked up on - is a favorite thing of mine to follow.  For the last three years, I have posted summaries of such programs to the506 (registration required to view), and I have found feedback and support from some other users who are also fans.  I even made up one, Sing for the World, in a previous post.

Now, I want to get to the next level, with posts following an entire season of a "game opera."  The "press release" announcing the show is below. - D.H.

On January 1, 2013, Barefoot Media Network will debut BMN Superfan, its first reality competition series.   This season will feature 13 of the greatest fans of the Barefoot family, as featured on Buddy Wayne: Coming Home and other network shows, in various weekly contests for the most unique grand prize ever awarded - access to the Barefoot family for one week!

The winner will live exactly as they do, from making homemade food and clothing to attending church services and even participating in entertainment and events.

In addition, the winner will get $50,000 cash and a 2013 Chevrolet SS Supersport, and the show will donate $10,000 to each of five different charities.

Host: Shandi Finnessey (Miss USA 2004)
Judges:

• *Brandon McLamb (Buddy Wayne Barefoot's publicist)
• Matt Rogers (finalist on American Idol season 3, host of various TV shows)
• Various guest judges

Contestants:

• Barbie (Kelly Kelly) Blank, 26, Jacksonville, FL - WWE "diva," former world women's champion
• Brendon Bump, 23, Lawrence, KS - Seminary student, son of Methodist preacher
• *Mikel De Vries, 27, Los Angeles - Male model, aspiring actor, originally from Cape Town, South Africa
• Anna (Lil' Bit) Granthum, 31, Marbury, AL - Owns Mountain Creek Mud Bog, which was featured in 2011 TV special Mud Lovin' Rednecks
• *Lindsay Hall, 34, Fort Sill, OK - Army medic, would like to become a midwife
• *Josh LoMonico, 36, Pittsburgh, PA - Fitness instructor, volunteer firefighter
• Ivey McClelland, 50, Albuquerque, NM - Part-time jazz musician
• Frankie Meadows, 40, Charleston, SC - Auto mechanic, fan of NASCAR and minor-league hockey
• Dustin Plunkett, 35, Bellflower, CA - Special Olympics athlete renowned for his athletic accomplishments and community service
• Jeff Porter, 46, Alpharetta, GA - Athletic trainer, Atlanta Braves baseball team
• Brittany Ramos, 33, Boca Raton, FL - Extreme couponer, stay-at-home mom, former teacher
• *Jake Stubblebine, 32, New York City - Graduate student, hobby farmer, nephew of Reuters photographer
• *Megan Turnipseed, 20, Brandon, MS - College student, cheerleader (Millsaps College)

*Characters made up by me

BMN Superfan will premiere with a special two-hour episode at 9 p.m. ET.  Thereafter, it will appear every Tuesday at 10 p.m.

Barenaked ladies and a blast from the past

OK, so it's been more than a month since I've been here, but the finale of The Celebrity Apprentice tonight on NBC gives me an excuse to do things: put up a picture of my made-up doo wop band called the Barenaked Ladies, and share a quote from when the "other" group of the same name appeared on a past finale of this franchise, which was held in Los Angeles:

"Wouldn't it be great if these were real barenaked ladies performing?"

P.S. Welcome to theicedog from the506.com. Hope you enjoyed this post!

(In case you missed the earlier post, left to right are Vicky Lynn Hogan, Brandy Roderick, Tara Patrick, and Michelle Mitchell.)

Another new idea: All duets, all the time

The following is a fakeout press release.

The duet has been a musical concept that has produced hit after hit in the music world. When two great voices come together, usually in the form of a love ballad, the result can be magical. Consider these examples:
*"Endless Love" - Diana Ross and Lionel Richie
*"Ain't No Mountain High Enough" - Marvin Gaye and Tammi Terrell
*"Islands in the Stream" - Dolly Parton and Kenny Rogers
*"When the Bough Breaks" - Buddy Wayne Barefoot and Brittany Spears

So what's the next logical step? Of course, it's to have a whole album full of them!

That's what Brightful Birdsong (top) and ButtaFly (bottom) are working on for release in a few weeks on the Little Boy Records label.

The pairing makes perfect sense: Both are talented artists who are steeped in the R&B and pop music traditions that have produced the greatest duets. They have known each other since they attended high school together in the Atlanta area. Oh, and they have been romantically linked!

"This new album, Flying Together, marks a new era in the genre and one that I hope will be well received," according to Barefoot, who also happens to be Little Boy's founder and owner. "This sets the standards in production values and performance."

"It's a challenge I am glad to take on," added Matthew McBriar, head of production for the label. "Besides, working Brightful's soulful voice and Fly's poetry slam style will make for a sound never before heard on record on a major label."

The first single, appropriately called "We're In Heaven," is available for download now, with the album to come on April 26. Appearances on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno, Jimmy Kimmel Live, and other shows will follow to promote it. This will be followed by a tour starring June 9 in Anaheim, CA.

It's a girl!

What an exciting first post I have for 2011.

Brittany Lynnette Spears and Buddy Wayne Barefoot became parents on January 17! Their first child is a daughter named Blanton Elizabeth Spears Barefoot. She weighs 8 pounds and 9 ounces.

The time of birth was 4:42 a.m. and the place was Duke University Medical Center in Durham, NC. The hospital is the same facility at which Barefoot had life-saving heart surgery in 2004.

"Just as this hospital gave me life all those years ago, I am happy that it was there that a new life began," Barefoot said in a fakeout statement.

In the same statement, Spears added, "The dream I have always had - to be a wife and mother and to live with the man of my dreams - continues to be realized. I once again thank our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, for this opportunity."

In an interesting note, both sides of the family continue the tradition of personal names starting with the letter B:

• Brittany has four siblings, Bunch, Bradshaw, Brashears, and Blanton Jr. Blanton Sr. has brothers named Burton, Bowling, and Belcher. And finally, Breckinridge, the "Grandpa Breck" who founded the Spears Family Band, had a brother called Bodkin. To add to all this, Bunch and his wife Sarah gave birth to Brielle McKaylee Spears in July of 2010.
• Buddy Wayne's brother is named Bobby Ray, his mother is Brenda, and his biological father is Alfred a/k/a Buddy Wayne Sr. Bobby Ray's daughter is named Belinda, and Buddy's cousins Brandy and Bunky have a father named Bradford.

(Photo credit: Deb Holmes, Chesapeake, VA, from her Facebook page. Deb helped me find information about the real Alfred "Buddy" Barefoot that inspired my character's name. The picture is that of one of her nieces and should be a good picture of what Blanton would be like if she existed.)

Hello there again!

If you haven't noticed, it has been more than three weeks since my last posting. I have spent most of that time cleaning up some old business.

Five years ago, I imagined what would happen if the top NASCAR drivers up to that point had competed in an all-time series. I ran race results in my head based on some statistics I picked up and ran the results. Unfortunately, I wasn't happy with some of what I created and threw everything away! Four years later, I learned of a website called the506 which breaks down which areas of the country receives NFL football games each week. I then learned of a forum that further analyzes what is on the main site, and which has since extended to a wide variety of topics. One of those was simulations of past sports event scenarios - e.g. what would have happened if the NFL had not gone in strike in 1982 or Major League Baseball had done the same in 1981 or '94. I remade the NASCAR sims, set in the same era, for the506 and added "all-star leagues" for other sports.

When administrator J.P. Kirby banned further use of the sims, a forum member named Anthony used some software to create a "spinoff" called alltimesports. I finished up NASCAR there, then added similar results, which I had planned to do in 2006, for the NFL, the NBA, college basketball, and the NHL. As for MLB, I have yet to add my all-star league for that, but I have helped an undermanned crew finish up the '81 and '94 simulations. The latter is still ongoing, but might be completed by September 1.

The point of all of this is to explain why this site has been inactive, despite my promise to be active here over the summer. I will try to pick it up before I expect to return to ABC Adult School next month.

I will, however, let slip the most exciting event in my world this summer: Pinky Ann McPipkin, the country/Southern rock singer and "biker girl," won the most recent Heritage Cup in her auto racing debut! In some ways, this is more incredible that Buddy Wayne Barefoot's win three years ago for many reasons. Two of them come to mind:

• She is the first woman ever to win the 300-lap short track car event, akin to Danica Patrick winning at, say, Bristol Motor Speedway in a NASCAR race.
• Just about everyone else had at least some experience in the Legends-style cars used in the race and some even competed in NASCAR races like Bunky Barefoot, Bubba Ray Lumpkin, and Luke Barneycastle.

I'll have an "interview" with Pinky (pictured at top right) about her extraordinary night, and I promise it will be within the next few days.

Odds and ends: Buddy's not racing, Brittany's pregnant, fundraiser

Some recent events in my world:

• Buddy Wayne Barefoot disappointed some of his fans by choosing not to participate in next week's Legends Millions at Lowe's Motor Speedway. However, he will be on hand for some ceremonies and to present the trophy. "If my life after NASCAR racing was not fulfilling, and that's true for many people, I would have been tempted to return," he explained. "However, I have always said that my racing career is not the reason for my existence. So I am happy to stay retired." The final day will be shown live on Speed on Saturday night, July 17.
• Brittany Spears, Barefoot's wife, revealed that she is pregnant and that the child, a girl, is due in mid-September.
• The Barefoot Fund, the charity that supports efforts to save family histories, held its first fundraiser at the new NASCAR Hall of Fame on June 23. The highest bid among the 22 items available in an auction was for a cruise to Greece, Italy and Malta with Hendrick Motorsports drivers Jimmie Johnson, Jeff Gordon, Dale Earnhardt Jr., and Mark Martin; that went for $11,000. Blondie and Bubba Brister performed.
  

Will one-million-dollar purse lure B.W. back?

The 2007 Heritage Cup race, a stock-car racing event in which drivers represented their family names, was supposed to be Buddy Wayne Barefoot's farewell. And he won it in the most unforgettable style, flipping across the start/finish line and landing with the wheels pointed the right way. It was the most dramatic finish ever in racing.

Since then, I have vowed that my character would never again go racing.

But it seems that nothing is final in auto racing, or in the world of sports in general. The names of great athletes who have come back or extended their careers have been very famous - Michael Jordan, Brett Favre, Sugar Ray Leonard, and Michael Schumacher are just a few of them.

Now, Barefoot is faced with the temptation to return, in the form of the Legends Million, this coming July at Charlotte Motor Speedway. The purse, of course one million dollars, is the largest in the history of U.S. Legend Cars International, which has similar cars to what Barefoot drove that magical night.

The Legends Million is scheduled for July 14 through 17, and it was announced today that the final rounds will be televised live on Speed.

Will Buddy fill out the entrance form and thereby end a well-deserved retirement from the sport? Or will he stay in the garage area as up to 1,000 other drivers go for the top prize of $250,000? Stay tuned!

Buddy blabs away

Things have been too quiet lately in the world of my characters, so I approached Buddy Wayne Barefoot earlier this week and spoke to him on some of the hottest topics of the day.

Health care in the United States: It's about time something happened. We have seen all the other industrialized countries in the world start some kind of health-care system that protects all of its citizens. I cannot believe that no Republican - not one of them - supported the new health-care system, even though there is no "single payer" option as there is in the other nations. Even an executive order banning the use of federal funds for abortion was not good enough for them. You have a top-notch system of care in Congress, why not share that with the public? That's what happens when you believe that death panels will soon kill Grandma.

The right wing gets violent: This is why the Tea Party movement has lost me. A few people have spoiled it for everyone through racial slurs, bricks thrown through windows, and drawings of President Barack Obama as if he lived in the jungle. No matter what you think, he is our president and we all must respect him. And the talk-show hosts are horrible: Rush Limbaugh has slid into irrevelance and Glenn Beck is clearly paranoid. (Unfortunately, Keith Olbermann is no better on the left. Yes, the Iraq war has been questionable at best, but George W. Bush is not the Antichrist, either.)

Possible expansion of the NCAA men's basketball tournament to 96 teams: No! This cheapens the tournament and invites more mediocre teams to the postseason. It also will not save the jobs of head coaches, as some has suggested. The only reason this would happen is so that the NCAA can tear up the current TV contract - with three years left - and replace it with a new pact and receive more money. That's sad.

Simon Cowell to leave American Idol: The show won't be the same without him. I wish him good luck on the American version of The X-Factor, which will be on Fox beginning in the fall of next year. Thankfully, the Howard Stern-as-replacement rumors have gone away, otherwise I would never watch the show again. One of my fans asked me if I were interested in replacing Simon on the judges' panel. I think I would be served better as a mentor for a single episode. My nature is better suited for helping performers instead of critiquing them. So, no, I don't want to be a judge.

That's it for now. I'll "talk" to him again soon, maybe when something big happens in Idealia. Until then, happy Easter.

My characters go to school; UWF results

I haven't posted in exactly two weeks, so appropriately I have combined two posts into one.

The first part is that I have integrated my characters as part of classroom assignments at ABC Adult School in both classes I attend. In the Photoshop I class (10 a.m.-11:50 a.m.), I am creating a "concert poster" with Buddy, Blondie, Brittany Spears, and Bubba Brister performing at Brian Warner Park on a fall day with the colorful leaves as a backdrop. (I chose Brian Warner's name because it is the given name of punk rock star Marilyn Manson.) The Photoshop assignment is due at the end of class on April 1. In the Illustrator class (12:20 p.m.-2:10 p.m.), I am creating an artwork in which Barefoot has a bluebird on his shoulder, symbolic of the title of his hit song. That task has already been completed, and I am thinking of a second project which could have a similar theme.


The other subject is the Ultimate Wrestling Federation card I wrote about in Chapter 3. Strangely, I was inspired by the infomercial that pitched both Santo Gold jewelry and a B-grade picture called Blood Circus. (This page has all the details.) That got me to thinking that I haven't given away all the results yet. So, as Jim Lange said decades ago, herrrrre they are:

• The Hillbilly Kid pinned Bobby James. Kid was played by all-league tight end Ricky Biffle, who was making his wrestling debut
  
• Chill Town (C.J. Brookshire and Bryan McFalls, dressed as reality TV stars Will Kirby and Mike Malin, respectively) defeated jobbers R.D. Reynolds and Bryan Alvarez in tag-team action
• "The Real" Biggie Smalls took the UWF Television Title away from the Dead Men Wrestling clique by pinning Danny Boy (based on Davey Boy Smith, but with an Irish accent)
  
• Barbie Blank (WWE's Kelly Kelly) beat Big Rhonda of DMW to win the women's championship
• DMW member Badd Boy Brady Boone, Jr. pinned Super Black Ninja to defend the hardcore title. The final blow came when Boone attacked Ninja with the handle of the scythe provided by the ringleader The Ripper.)
  
• DMW member Squashing Leamy beats Crusher Bennett. After the match, Bennett threatened former manager Ashley Mae Basher until "The Real" Biggie Smalls entered the ring to save her.
• The New Blade Runners, Brick and Flash, won the four-way international table ladders and chairs match as representatives of the U.S. They beat "Owen Hart" and "Brian Pillman" (Canada), Tanaka and Ito (Japan), and El Rana and El Vaquero (Mexico).
• Big defended his UWF heavyweight championship when he pinned One Man Gang. The pin move came from a head scissor move after Big had plunged from the top of the video lighting stand 45 feet above the ring.
  

Melanie MacMelville "interview"

My series of "interviews" with Idealian characters continues with its resident bubble-gum pop singer, Melanie Elaine MacMelville. She has a lyrical name and a girl-next-door look. Her music is a blend of pop, rock, and Christian music that all ages can enjoy. Once again, Magdalena Babblejack asks the questions.

MB: Mel, unlike most of the other music artists here, you are not from the Southeast United States. Rather, you hail from Long Island, New York. Does that make you feel awkward?
MM: Not at all. What is important to me is that my music matches the values and beliefs of all of the other singers, and that matter all the other entertainers. I stand for breezy, catchy tunes with an underlying message.

MB: When did you first dream of a musical career?
MM: I first sang when I was five years old. From that point on, I listened intently to every song on the radio and hoped to be one of them someday.

MB: When were your first performances?
MM: When I was in high school, I sang at shopping malls and coffeehouses on Long Island. Then at age 16, I jumped on the Long Island Expressway, stopped at the Grand Central Terminal [in New York City] and walked all the way to Times Square. That's how much I wanted so badly to have a career in music. I sang on the sidewalk. And yes, I had my parents' blessing.(LOL)

MB: How did Little Boy Records discover you?
MM: Brandon McLamb [Buddy Wayne Barefoot's publicist] attended a Mets baseball game and heard me sing "The Star Spangled Banner." He absolutely loved it! He went to the press box and arranged for a meeting face-to-face. Buddy heard that song and some demos and he signed me. That was before I "died" and entered Idealia. Once that happened, the contracts were transferred over.

MB: Talk about some of your songs.
MM: "I'm Breezin'" sounds like a standard-issue pop song, but in the end it is about how to stay grounded and stable in a world that is full of temptation. "I Will Not Yield" is similar, but it has a slower pace and a more overt Christian message. "Good-Natured Barb" is about a day I spent with my mother, who is also my best friend. Her name is Barbara.

MB: Like so many other singers, you have also dabbled in acting. Tell me about that.
MM: On OurNetwork on Thursday nights, I have a show, a sitcom, called The New Black. On it, I play Jennifer Black, a fashion executive who dreams of a better and less busy life and will do anything to get it. My father William is a retired executive at a tea company, so this is a role that I can identify with.

MB: What does your future hold?
MM: I have a movie and album out called Hollaback Girl. I heard Gwen Stefani say that she "ain't no hollaback girl," so this is my response. I love to be someone who talks to people and "holler back" at them.

MB: Thank you, Melanie, for your time.
MM: You're welcome as always.

Hey, Idol: Here's someone better than Stern

This week, American Idol wrapped up its first week of semifinal performances and four singers have been eliminated.

But two topics of conversation have dominated the show: its ratings are in decline (trailing the Winter Olympics for the first time), and Howard Stern has shown interest in becoming a judge. The show is seeking to replace the iconic Simon Cowell, who is leaving after this season.

Yes, Howard Stern. The "King of All Media" and the source of annoying prank phone calls for all occasions, whether it's a natural disaster or simply the retirement of an ex-pro football player.

I firmly believe that the inclusion of Stern will mean the end of Idol. He will be rejected by the public because he knows little about the music scene and is too controversial.

I have a better idea for the new judge on Idol.

He is one of the most famous recording artists in history. He once had a song that was number one for a record 18 weeks. Due to his parallel career as a pro athlete, he is one of the famous personalities in American history. In addition, he started his own record company with a stable of artists that have turned off hit after hit. Whatever projects he has been involved in have seen a surge in public interest. Finally, he can be blunt and honest when he has to be, an American version of Cowell.

If you haven't already guessed, it's Buddy Wayne Barefoot.

Too bad Fox and FremantleMedia can't hire him.



For that reason, I nominate either Ace Young (who looks a bit like Barefoot) or Matt Rogers for the vacant spot. Both have been on Idol before and would provide some good analysis.

Anyone but Howard Stern. Anyone.

Billy Bob and Krista go to Vegas

Billy Bob Bryant, originally from Glen Rose, Texas, is perhaps the toughest character I have created yet. A star in both pro football and the rodeo circuit, he is known for legendary feats in both. He is responsible for legendary feats that rival those attributed to Chuck Norris and Mr. T. No one can bring him down or intimidate him, no matter what.

But, as I wrote in Chapter 10, he also has a soft side. He saved the life of a teenage girl when he was not yet a man himself. The two would later marry and have a son.

Now, Billy Bob Bryant and Krista Bamburg are both headed for the National Finals Rodeo, next week in Las Vegas, Nevada. They will compete in, respectively, bull riding and barrel racing.

Bryant was at a disadvantage trying to qualify for the NFR because he had only a few months to score enough points in qualifying events during the football off-season. But somehow, he pulled it off. Even though the football season is winding down, and the Texas Defenders are headed back to the playoffs, Bryant still plans to leave the team to compete in the NFR.

According to Billy Bob, "Coach Bubba [McDaniel] has given me permission to go to Vegas for the event. The league final will take place on Dec. 19, and Billy Bob will be back for that if we make it that far. Until then, hopefully we'll win without them." Bryant will play in the opening round against the Bitterroot Banshees this weekend before leaving for Vegas.

While Billy Bob will make his NFR debut, Krista has been there before; in fact, she is the defending champion in barrel racing. The title is based on earnings over 10 rounds of competition, and last year she pocketed over $150,000 during the period.

"Last year was the greatest feeling I have had in my career, but this is even better," says Bamburg, originally from Coushatta, Louisiana. "My husband is with me this year for some support. This is a crucial year as I defend my title in barrel racing, and also for him as he is in the NFR for the first time. We definitely need to support each other."

Television coverage begins at 10 p.m. Eastern time on December 3 on ESPN Classic, with an overnight re-air on ESPN2.

Buddy's holiday notes

Wow! I see that there has been another long gap, so my character has a lot to report.

• My marriage to Brittany went well! About 120 people came by to see it, and even Shayla was there. It was a day full of music, ceremony and celebration. Our wedding was especially meaningful as it will probably be the last one ever staged in our corner of Heaven. The Book of Revelation tells of the symbolic wedding between Jesus Christ and his followers, and that's supposed to replace the human institution. But Brittany wanted this so badly, and an exception was made for us.
• Speaking of Brittany, congratulations to Taylor Swift. In a previous website dedicated to me, there was casting of a film about my life. Swift, who was a rookie in country music back then, played Brittany's role. Well, today Swift has crossed over to pop music and is a best-selling artist, and last Sunday night she won the Artist of the Year from the American Music Awards. And this time, no one disrupted her on stage. Kanye West is one rude dog!:(
• Jimmie Johnson has won his fourth consecutive NASCAR Sprint Cup Series championship. The meaning of this is not lost on me or anyone else who follows the sport of stock-car racing. It was not too long ago that I thought so little of his talents, and so insistent of him only being a star due to his connections with Jeff Gordon, that I called him "J.J. The Protégé." Now Johnson deserves a new nickname: "All Time Legend."
• Happy Thanksgiving to all of you Americans out there. Take a moment to share the blessings of your life with your family and friends, because, believe me, all of us have them. It may be harder to find in these days and times; then again, it makes this holiday even more special.

The ideal NASCAR world

Now, as promised, Buddy Wayne gives his ideas to make NASCAR a better place.

NASCAR has been the love of my life. Ever since I watched my first race as a boy, before I could remember anything, it was a world I wanted so much to be a part of.

But now, something is different, something is missing. The races are boring, the drivers are bland, and no one is watching. And still, NASCAR insists that the one magic solution is just around the corner. Maybe it's the arrival of Danica Patrick, or a slick new marketing campaign. Or is it returning to its roots, as current leader Brian France has suggested.

Ah, I think that's it. Of course, we can't completely replicate the past, but we can take the best of it and make it the blueprint for the future.

Here's the plan that I have:

• Chase away the Chase for the Sprint Cup. This attempt at a playoff is the "cure worse than the disease." It has segregated the 43 drivers who start each race into haves and have-nots, thereby concentrating all media attention on the Chase qualifiers. Worse, the Chase has not resulted in increased attendance or television ratings. NASCAR ratings on television have gone down every year. As for the rest of the media, it is still far more likely to discuss pro and college football and baseball playoffs than racing.
  
• Make it 1996 all over again. In other words, reduce the schedule to 30 races, and try to duplicate it as much as possible. That year, there was a real balance of short tracks, longer tracks, and road courses. Although I understand that the track owners wanted to expand to more places to keep up with demand, the results were OK at best and dismal at worst. Only Las Vegas has continued to be a success over time, while Texas has been hurt by expansion, and Auto Club, Chicagoland, Homestead, and Kansas have added nothing to the mix. All these tracks are the same size and were also built for IndyCar races. Keep them open, but have them run open wheels only, except maybe for Vegas.
• "Run what you brung" should be back. Maybe the cars shouldn't look exactly like those on the road, but duplicate as many features as possible. That alone should save teams millions of dollars in expenses. Also, make the design flexible so that crew chiefs can innovate with the cars.
• Let the drivers be human. In other words, encourage drivers to be themselves, instead of sponsor-driven clones who are politically correct. Role models should include Tony Stewart, Juan Pablo Montoya, and Marcos Ambrose.
• Television coverage should change drastically. Reduce the length of pre-race shows and ensure at least a half-hour after the race for extensive coverage and interviews. Once the green flag drops, cover the race and not what you think will happen in a "script." Cut back on commercial breaks; those sponsor graphics should be enough.
  

I'm sure there are more things I could come up with, but these are the most important things.

As my character would say, "That's my ideal world. What's yours?"

Land of the makeovers

Psst, I've got a little secret for you. The plastic surgeon's office isn't the only place full of transformations. Idealia also has plenty of them.

If you've read this blog, you already know some of them. But here in this post I will go over the complete list of all the transformations I can think of.

Some are respellings of celebrity names. Others are the substitution of real names for pseudonyms of celebrities. And others are the results of relabeling to better fit their descriptions.

A word of caution: The original names have value to the holders and in fact some of the names, no matter how deceptive, may have been chosen for valid reasons. Do not try these at home.

Now for the directory. The first listing is what the person actually is, the second is what it actually should be according to Idealia (that is, me).

NAME RESPELLINGS

• Brittany Spears - Provocative pop singer (Britney); bluegrass singer
• Bubba Brister - Former NFL quarterback (Bubby); blues/swing/jazz singer
• Billy Bob Bryant - University of Texas wide receiver in the 1980s (Bill Boy); legendary football player and rodeo cowboy
• Matt McBriar - Punter for the NFL's Dallas Cowboys (Mat); Christian pop artist
• Brett Hart - Professional wrestling star (Bret); anthropologist, TV host, and collector of folk tales
  

MUSICAL ACTS RETOOLED

• Blondie (pictured) - New-wave band (lead singer Deborah Harry is not Blondie); pianist with classical and pop repertoire
• Hootie and the Blowfish - Soft pop band (lead singer Darius Rucker is not Hootie and band is not the Blowfish); beach music band in which Bobby Dwayne "Hootie" Pittman is lead singer
• Highland Place Mobsters, DRS (Dirty Rotten Scoundrels), GAT (Gangstas and Thugs), Queens of the Stone Age - Early 1990s R&B vocal groups; "prank mobs" comprised on young local residents, known for mischievous acts (The queens' names are, aptly, Betty and Wilma)
  
• Death Cab for Cutie, She Wants Revenge, Bullet for My Valentine - "emo" rock bands; books by author Robin-Hollie Browne which are cautionary tales
• Biggie Smalls - First stage name of rapper later known as The Notorious B.I.G.; Professional wrestler
• Color Me Badd - R&B group with some hits in the early 1990s; slogan that can be used by either a cosmetics company or a painter
  

STAGE NAMES TO REAL NAMES

• Marilyn Morrison - Mash-up of Brian Warner's stage name (Marilyn Manson) and John Wayne's real name (Marion Morrison); helps residents raise barns and build log cabins
• Maurice Micklewhite - Actor Michael Caine; main villain in Bunky Barefoot's television show BunkMaster: Operation X
• Archibald Leach - Actor Cary Grant; first and middle names of avenging angel Archibald Blackbird
• Ruby Stevens, Harriette Lake, Annie Mae Bullock, Brenda Gayle Webb - Respectively, actresses Barbara Stanwyck and Anne Sothern and singers Tina Turner and Crystal Gayle; members of local quilting club
• Norma Jean Baker - Marilyn Monroe's first given name; wife of pastor Bobby Baker
• Alecia Moore - Singer Pink; TV and radio news reporter
  

DUAL CATEGORY

• Barenaked Ladies - All-male quartet of adult contemporary singers; all-female band of doo-wop artists. Band members all have retooled names: Vicky Lynn Smith (namesake of Anna Nicole Smith), Brandy Roderick (respelling of Playboy model Brande Roderick), Tara Patrick (namesake of Carmen Electra), Michelle Mitchell (respelling of Olympic diver Michele Mitchell)
  

What some of my characters are doing now

It's been two weeks since I last posted, so I think it's fair to look back at some of my favorite characters and see what they have been up to.

• Melanie MacMelville and Alonzo Barefoot (Buddy Wayne's "father") won spots on ABC's Dancing with the Stars. As of this weekend, MacMelville is one of the 10 remaining celebrities in the competition and has become a favorite to win it all. Meanwhile, Barefoot suffered a highly ironic injury - two heel fractures - and has had to withdraw from the event. (This passage is true in real life as well; just substitute Mya and Tom DeLay for the respective names.)
  
• Billy Bob Bryant continues to star in the Idealia Football League (IFL), but there is an intriguing online campaign to give him a roster spot on the Dallas Cowboys. According to the petition, only Bryant can put the fire under the belly to turn the Cowboys into playoff contenders and perhaps a Super Bowl team (the team has not won a playoff game since 1996). Bryant has said he is happy playing for the Defenders, but that he "would have to listen" to any offers to play in the NFL.
• Lanny "Big" Mobley made major news recently by admitting a crush on a person in the real world. Barbie Blank, a Floridian known professionally as Kelly Kelly, is one of the "divas" of World Wrestling Entertainment. In a series of letters published in The Informer, the heavenly newspaper, Blank shares her frustration that she cannot simply bolt from WWE for the UWF because she wants to personally visit Big. (You can see an index to photos of Kelly Kelly here.)
• Bunky Barefoot and Bubba Ray Lumpkin continue to race at Bowling Hill Speedway. Meanwhile, the NASCAR Hall of Fame is now under construction within sight of the condominium where Lumpkin lived in uptown Charlotte, North Carolina. On Wednesday, the first five inductees were announced: Bill France Sr., NASCAR founder, Bill France Jr., the second generation of NASCAR leadership; seven-time champions Dale Earnhardt and Richard Petty; and Junior Johnson, who emerged from the sport's roots with moonshine haulers to become one of the sport's first star drivers.
• Robin-Hollie Browne has launched RHB Books. The new independent label is focusing on deals with authors known mostly for collaborating with celebrities, with David Ritz and Burton Rocks the first two clients. Ritz has written biographies of R&B and soul singers like Smokey Robinson and Diana Ross, and Rocks has helped baseball stars with their books.
  

From the Porch: Defending the South

This is the first column in a new series. I will try to give you regular columns from my characters about what life has been like in Idealia since I wrote the final word of The Buddy Wayne Chronicles. - D.H.

In the two years since the book's story wrapped up, a few things have happened to me. One of them was an interview with Matt Frei of BBC World News.

It was nice to invite someone from the outside world to take a glimpse at the paradise to come, and I enjoyed talking to my millions of fans around the globe. During the interview, I also gave Matt a tour of my property and even let him drive my 1930s vintage car, the same one that I won the Heritage Cup in.

But all the outside world could talk about was a statement that was commonly reported as, "I believe that the Confederate flag is the symbol of heaven." I did not say those exact words: what I actually did was point out a flag with the cross of St. George outside the family house and told him, "This does not stand for what you think it does. It stands for the influence of our religious and cultural heritage [in the Southern United States] and how it is a symbol of our lives here in Heaven."

Those who know about Idealia know that we love barbeque, porch sitting, storytelling, riding horses, racing cars, (American) football, hunting, fishing, and working on the land. We also live our lives by faith, family, and moral values. Nowhere else on Earth is this more true than in the South. Because we believe that only the grace of God saves us and sends us to Heaven, it is only appropriate that we eventually land here.

Besides, as I explained to Matt, the flag now associated with the Confederacy, which has the Cross of St. George, was never the official flag of the nation. For most of its history, it was the "Stars and Bars," which had many similarities to the American flag. (See this page for more on the subject.) The cross flag was a "battle flag" used by some units of the CSA army during the Civil War. Later, it was chosen with the American flag to represent reunions of old soldiers from that war.

Somehow, this got twisted to represent the worst elements of the antebellum American South, including slavery. But the fact remains that, here in Idealia, the flag hangs from most of our houses, whether we are white, black, or from another background. The reason is simple: the flag represents us and unifies us, just as the American flag does in the USA or another national flag does elsewhere.

I will always stand by and defend the use of the cross of St. George, regardless of what anyone else thinks of it. As I have always said, "Take me as I am or don't take me at all."


Next time, I will defend my actions as it relates to my belle, Brittany Spears.

'Aptronyms' square off in Idealia bracket

This is the continuation of the Idealian character tournament, based on the format of the book The Final Four of Everything edited by Mark Reiter and Richard Sandomir.

The next two matches comprise a "mini-regional" with four people with names appropriate to their occupation. Paul Dickson, another author, has coined the term "aptronym" to describe them.


Brightful Birdsong vs. Barney Laughinghouse
As one would guess, the former is a singer and the latter is a comedian. Birdsong is another one of the land's great singers. He, like Aretha Franklin and Sam Cooke, has a background as a gospel singer before crossing over to rhythm and blues and soul. A major difference is that many of his songs are a cappella (that's without music if you're not familiar). I am not aware of any other singer who regularly sings solos in that style; that's understandable as one can imagine how highly difficult that would be. Laughinghouse is the star of a situation comedy on prime-time television. Like the 1950s hit The Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet, the entire Laughinghouse family is the star: husband Barney, wife LaDonna, children Blake, Danielle, and Bonnie Jean, and hunting dog Buster. Also, the family's real-life experiences are the centerpiece of the show, which is done in an improvisational style. Barney leads in the criteria of fulfilling a need in the real world: today, there are no family-themed sitcoms on any of the four major broadcast networks in the United States. (Sorry, The Simpsons and Family Guy fans, cartoons do not count.) In contrast, they were prevalent 20 years or so ago. But by another measure, singers are more valuable than comedians: American Idol is going strong after eight seasons, while Last Comic Standing was canceled after four. The deciding factor in the end is the public image associated with each name: a birdsong is beautiful, while a laughing house would be weird. Winner: Birdsong

Magdalena Babblejack vs. Stormie Gayle Blizzard
If you worked for a news department and a resume came across your desk with the name "Stormie Gayle Blizzard," you'd hire her, right? I thought so. If the anchor chair became empty and someone named "Magdalena Babblejack" wanted the job, can she have it? The answer is, well, maybe. The name "Babblejack" implies gossiper more than serious newscaster, so Blizzard wins easily, right? Think again. If Babblejack were hired by a major network, and if she was able to combine serious journalism with the force of personality - maybe Walter Cronkite and Katie Couric mashed together - she may be the future of television news. Oh, by the way, "Maggie" is from England, where the news culture is very diverse and rich, compared to the U.S. Besides, anchors get the big money, not meteorologists. Winner: Babblejack

Happy anniversary, Buddy!

The miraculous triumph of Buddy Wayne Barefoot in the Heritage Cup vintage-car race took place on this day. The event is scheduled for the Fourth of July - America's Independence Day - to honor the significance of families and to coincide with when the highest number of family reunions are held.

I also want to correct a point in the book which relates to the race: On page 205, I reported on what happened during the red-flag delay due to a strange use of the sprinkler system. I wrote that Bunky Barefoot (Crabtree) kissed a woman, and I reported that it was neither Laura or Heather, the twins that he was "married" to. I meant that he kissed one of the two, but due to their similarities it was not clear which one.

To read the whole story, see chapters 12 and 14, as well as part of chapter 13.

Brittany Spears "interview"

This is something I have been looking toward for quite some time.

Brittany Raylene Spears is my second favorite character in The Buddy Wayne Chronicles, only behind the main character. As I have explained before, her appeal is based on a combination of a simple, old-fashioned life and the promise and flower of youth.

Although only a teenager, she is the lead singer of a band that performs a musical style as traditional as the Appalachian Mountains themselves. Her wholesome, down-to-earth behavior and her modest beauty has made her the poster child for bluegrass music.

She also shares the same name (at least as pronounced) as Britney Spears. But whereas Britney left behind her country roots for a career as a provocative pop singer, Brittany has stayed grounded. Besides, Brittany is a lot more talented!

Off stage, her romance with Buddy Wayne Barefoot is the talk of Idealia. Recently, the two have announced marriage plans, breaking a taboo barrier and fulfilling the dreams of both.

This "interview" is being conducted by another one of my new characters. Magdalena Babblejack is - what else? - a local reporter and gossip.


MB: Where are you from originally?
BS: My hometown is Beattyville, Kentucky, about 35 miles south of Lexington. It is in the beautiful bluegrass country by the foothills of the Appalachians.

MB: Is it safe to say that your family and your band are the same?
BS: Yes. My father Blanton and my brother Blanton, Jr. are both banjo players, my brother Bunch is on the mandolin, my brother Bradshaw is the fiddler, uncle [Blanton's brother] Brashears plays the washboard, and my sisters Blair and Bailey are dancers. My mom Rebecca is the manager and sews the clothes and dresses us.

MB: How many albums has the family made so far?
BS: We have made three albums as a group. The songs combine old classics [e.g. "Orange Blossom Special"] and original songs. One of [the original songs] is "Mad from the Moonshine," a cautionary tale about alcohol. I was the lead singer on that.

MB: Who made the decision for you to go solo?
BS: I have always wanted to go solo. And after a long and prayerful decision, that's what the family decided to do. As long as they always performed [backup music], my name would be on the album.

MB: Be honest. How much of your decision was based on the existence of Britney Spears?
BS: It weighed on me a lot. I looked at what the other Britney did, and I didn't like it. It just so happens that my name is Brittany, too. So I have always thought I was more talented that [she was], so I decided to go for it on that basis too.

MB: However, that decision led to a lot of booing at the start of your career [as detailed in Chapter 9]. How did you come to terms with it?
BS: I told myself to stay patient and to remind myself to pray. Eventually, God knows what is right and what is wrong, and I knew my faith would pull me through.

MB: Then you went on The Great Singing Showdown [the local version of American Idol; see this post for details of the competitors]. Believe it or not, you won that competition by winning the fan vote. This must be a great tribute as to how far you have come.
BS: Yes! I want to thank everyone who voted for me. Maybe a lot of people hated me at the start, but I won their respect as the weeks progressed. That's all you can ask for: to do your best and eventually the public will see your talent shine through.

MB: And you beat Buddy Wayne Barefoot, the heavy favorite!
BS: That's why I am so excited![Beaming] No one was supposed to be more popular than him in the fan balloting, but I was. What else can you say?

MB: How surprised were you at Mr. Barefoot's marriage proposal at the end of the show?
BS: Very much. After the failed try before [as noted in Chapters 9 and 11], I thought that it was never going to happen. To see that B.W. still has my heart, that is awesome!

MB: When and where is the marriage scheduled?
BS: The date is October 10. Probably at the Spears farm house. I'm the bride, so that was probably why.[Giggling]

MB: I want to go back to the show, in particular the finale. That was a funny scene in which you sang the Britney song "Circus," then had to run away and see the poster of the fake movie in which Debbie Harry plays Blondie. What was that like?
BS: It was a fun side of me that no one knew about. And no one knows it, but that was not Debbie's picture on the poster, it was "our" Blondie [the pianist]. And Bubba Brister and Matt McBriar were pretending to be football players and got the VIP treatment. The producers wanted us to have fun with our names because they were so many similarities, and that we did.

MB: What a story. You come to Idealia in a freak accident, endure the taunts of the fans, meet the big cheese at your biggest time of need, and now you will soon be man and wife. Good luck on everything, and thank you for your time.
BS: You're very welcome. Be well, Maggie.
MB: And the same to you. Goodbye.

See also: Britney vs. Brittany, a "tale of the tape" chart I did for my other site.