Saturday, October 3, 2009
The All-Idealian football team
We're in the midst of football season, so why not go ahead and pick the All-Idealia football team? Selections are based on innovative use of talent, value of the player to his team, and sometimes just having a good name.
The talent level is surprisingly good. I see many of them playing at least on the Division I Football Championship Subdivision (I-AA) level, while some are good enough for Div. I Football Bowl Subdivision (I-A) and a couple of them even in the National Football League.
Wide Receivers - LaDarryl Cabbagestalk (East Carolina Aviators), Littrell McBlackwell (Mississippi Mudcats)
Cabbagestalk runs as fast as Usain Bolt, catches the ball like Jerry Rice, and breaks every tackle he can. You can't beat that combination.
Tackles - Bloodworth Spikes, Jr. (Georgia BuzzHounds), Wilbert McWhite (Carolina Blue Wolves)
Guards - Dwayne Brickhouse (Aviators), Orlando "Biggie" Smalls (Appalachian Miners)
Both Brickhouse and Smalls are over 350 pounds, thereby living up to their name. Smalls is also a professional wrestler under the name "The Real Biggie Smalls."
Center - Travis Teafatiller (Texas Defenders)
His mom is Tammy Faye Teafatiller, a name I adore. She raised her right.
Tight End - Ryan Biffle (Oklahoma Outlaws)
The original Outlaws were part of the defunct United States Football League in 1984.
Quarterback - Rickey Ray Rockett (Louisiana Crawdads)
Combine the attitude of Brett Favre, the throwing arm of Jay Cutler, the last-minute poise of Tom Brady, and a superhero's name into one player and "Triple R" is the result.
Running Backs - LaBradford Bankhead (Mudcats), Lorenzo Leaks (East Texas Bonfire)
Bankhead is a cousin of singer Brightful Birdsong, mentioned in my second post.
Ends - Middlebrooks Hooks (BuzzHounds), Bubba Sparks (Alabama Slammers)
I based the Sparks character on the rapper Bubba Sparxxx, who actually played high-school football before turning to rap music.
Tackles - Larry Joe Derryberry (Tennessee Tornado), Leamon McBattle (Florida Fury)
Linebackers - Billy Bob Bryant (Defenders), Cody Joe Brookshire (Miners), Bunkley McLumpkin (Slammers)
Bryant is perhaps the star player in the football league, as I have described earlier. McLumpkin is a half-brother to Bubba Ray Lumpkin. Brookshire is also a race-car driver.
Cornerbacks - Shermaine Blackshire (Bonfire), Brownzell Brokenborough (Mudcats)
Safeties - Beaulieu Barrilleaux (Crawdads), Boozer McSharper (Blue Wolves)
Barrilleaux is also captain of the Louisiana Pirates, a gang that claims to be the Merry Men of the Caribbean high seas.
Placekicker - Kyle Barefoot (Aviators)
You may remember Britt Barefoot, who was at Southern Mississippi from 2004 to 2008. He was also a kicker, so like Kyle he had the right name for the position. But he had one flaw: he had a shoe on his kicking foot. On the other hand, Tony Franklin and Rich Karlis went shoeless in earlier decades. Kyle Barefoot combines both concepts, and does it brilliantly. His career long is 62 yards, just one shy of what would be the NFL record.
Punter - Dylan MacKnight (Miners)
Kick Returner - Barron Hollingbird (Crawdads)
Bubba McDaniel (Defenders)