Billy Bob and Krista go to Vegas

Billy Bob Bryant, originally from Glen Rose, Texas, is perhaps the toughest character I have created yet. A star in both pro football and the rodeo circuit, he is known for legendary feats in both. He is responsible for legendary feats that rival those attributed to Chuck Norris and Mr. T. No one can bring him down or intimidate him, no matter what.

But, as I wrote in Chapter 10, he also has a soft side. He saved the life of a teenage girl when he was not yet a man himself. The two would later marry and have a son.

Now, Billy Bob Bryant and Krista Bamburg are both headed for the National Finals Rodeo, next week in Las Vegas, Nevada. They will compete in, respectively, bull riding and barrel racing.

Bryant was at a disadvantage trying to qualify for the NFR because he had only a few months to score enough points in qualifying events during the football off-season. But somehow, he pulled it off. Even though the football season is winding down, and the Texas Defenders are headed back to the playoffs, Bryant still plans to leave the team to compete in the NFR.

According to Billy Bob, "Coach Bubba [McDaniel] has given me permission to go to Vegas for the event. The league final will take place on Dec. 19, and Billy Bob will be back for that if we make it that far. Until then, hopefully we'll win without them." Bryant will play in the opening round against the Bitterroot Banshees this weekend before leaving for Vegas.

While Billy Bob will make his NFR debut, Krista has been there before; in fact, she is the defending champion in barrel racing. The title is based on earnings over 10 rounds of competition, and last year she pocketed over $150,000 during the period.

"Last year was the greatest feeling I have had in my career, but this is even better," says Bamburg, originally from Coushatta, Louisiana. "My husband is with me this year for some support. This is a crucial year as I defend my title in barrel racing, and also for him as he is in the NFR for the first time. We definitely need to support each other."

Television coverage begins at 10 p.m. Eastern time on December 3 on ESPN Classic, with an overnight re-air on ESPN2.

Buddy's holiday notes

Wow! I see that there has been another long gap, so my character has a lot to report.

• My marriage to Brittany went well! About 120 people came by to see it, and even Shayla was there. It was a day full of music, ceremony and celebration. Our wedding was especially meaningful as it will probably be the last one ever staged in our corner of Heaven. The Book of Revelation tells of the symbolic wedding between Jesus Christ and his followers, and that's supposed to replace the human institution. But Brittany wanted this so badly, and an exception was made for us.
• Speaking of Brittany, congratulations to Taylor Swift. In a previous website dedicated to me, there was casting of a film about my life. Swift, who was a rookie in country music back then, played Brittany's role. Well, today Swift has crossed over to pop music and is a best-selling artist, and last Sunday night she won the Artist of the Year from the American Music Awards. And this time, no one disrupted her on stage. Kanye West is one rude dog!:(
• Jimmie Johnson has won his fourth consecutive NASCAR Sprint Cup Series championship. The meaning of this is not lost on me or anyone else who follows the sport of stock-car racing. It was not too long ago that I thought so little of his talents, and so insistent of him only being a star due to his connections with Jeff Gordon, that I called him "J.J. The Protégé." Now Johnson deserves a new nickname: "All Time Legend."
• Happy Thanksgiving to all of you Americans out there. Take a moment to share the blessings of your life with your family and friends, because, believe me, all of us have them. It may be harder to find in these days and times; then again, it makes this holiday even more special.

The ideal NASCAR world

Now, as promised, Buddy Wayne gives his ideas to make NASCAR a better place.

NASCAR has been the love of my life. Ever since I watched my first race as a boy, before I could remember anything, it was a world I wanted so much to be a part of.

But now, something is different, something is missing. The races are boring, the drivers are bland, and no one is watching. And still, NASCAR insists that the one magic solution is just around the corner. Maybe it's the arrival of Danica Patrick, or a slick new marketing campaign. Or is it returning to its roots, as current leader Brian France has suggested.

Ah, I think that's it. Of course, we can't completely replicate the past, but we can take the best of it and make it the blueprint for the future.

Here's the plan that I have:

• Chase away the Chase for the Sprint Cup. This attempt at a playoff is the "cure worse than the disease." It has segregated the 43 drivers who start each race into haves and have-nots, thereby concentrating all media attention on the Chase qualifiers. Worse, the Chase has not resulted in increased attendance or television ratings. NASCAR ratings on television have gone down every year. As for the rest of the media, it is still far more likely to discuss pro and college football and baseball playoffs than racing.
  
• Make it 1996 all over again. In other words, reduce the schedule to 30 races, and try to duplicate it as much as possible. That year, there was a real balance of short tracks, longer tracks, and road courses. Although I understand that the track owners wanted to expand to more places to keep up with demand, the results were OK at best and dismal at worst. Only Las Vegas has continued to be a success over time, while Texas has been hurt by expansion, and Auto Club, Chicagoland, Homestead, and Kansas have added nothing to the mix. All these tracks are the same size and were also built for IndyCar races. Keep them open, but have them run open wheels only, except maybe for Vegas.
• "Run what you brung" should be back. Maybe the cars shouldn't look exactly like those on the road, but duplicate as many features as possible. That alone should save teams millions of dollars in expenses. Also, make the design flexible so that crew chiefs can innovate with the cars.
• Let the drivers be human. In other words, encourage drivers to be themselves, instead of sponsor-driven clones who are politically correct. Role models should include Tony Stewart, Juan Pablo Montoya, and Marcos Ambrose.
• Television coverage should change drastically. Reduce the length of pre-race shows and ensure at least a half-hour after the race for extensive coverage and interviews. Once the green flag drops, cover the race and not what you think will happen in a "script." Cut back on commercial breaks; those sponsor graphics should be enough.
  

I'm sure there are more things I could come up with, but these are the most important things.

As my character would say, "That's my ideal world. What's yours?"

A 'friend' in the media, and a preview

Bill Fleischmann is the NASCAR writer for the Philadelphia Daily News. He is also a collector of some of the kinds of names that I wrote about in my second post. Because Buddy Wayne is at the intersection of those two things, I have every reason to believe that he would have been a huge fan of my character.

His latest column is here. He begins with a few steps he would take to improve NASCAR.

And that has inspired me. Sometime this week, I'm going to "channel" my character and share his opinions on how to improve the sport he loves. I have read a lot of suggestions for improvement over the last few years, and believe me, Buddy would be right there with a few of his own.

Land of the makeovers

Psst, I've got a little secret for you. The plastic surgeon's office isn't the only place full of transformations. Idealia also has plenty of them.

If you've read this blog, you already know some of them. But here in this post I will go over the complete list of all the transformations I can think of.

Some are respellings of celebrity names. Others are the substitution of real names for pseudonyms of celebrities. And others are the results of relabeling to better fit their descriptions.

A word of caution: The original names have value to the holders and in fact some of the names, no matter how deceptive, may have been chosen for valid reasons. Do not try these at home.

Now for the directory. The first listing is what the person actually is, the second is what it actually should be according to Idealia (that is, me).

NAME RESPELLINGS

• Brittany Spears - Provocative pop singer (Britney); bluegrass singer
• Bubba Brister - Former NFL quarterback (Bubby); blues/swing/jazz singer
• Billy Bob Bryant - University of Texas wide receiver in the 1980s (Bill Boy); legendary football player and rodeo cowboy
• Matt McBriar - Punter for the NFL's Dallas Cowboys (Mat); Christian pop artist
• Brett Hart - Professional wrestling star (Bret); anthropologist, TV host, and collector of folk tales
  

MUSICAL ACTS RETOOLED

• Blondie (pictured) - New-wave band (lead singer Deborah Harry is not Blondie); pianist with classical and pop repertoire
• Hootie and the Blowfish - Soft pop band (lead singer Darius Rucker is not Hootie and band is not the Blowfish); beach music band in which Bobby Dwayne "Hootie" Pittman is lead singer
• Highland Place Mobsters, DRS (Dirty Rotten Scoundrels), GAT (Gangstas and Thugs), Queens of the Stone Age - Early 1990s R&B vocal groups; "prank mobs" comprised on young local residents, known for mischievous acts (The queens' names are, aptly, Betty and Wilma)
  
• Death Cab for Cutie, She Wants Revenge, Bullet for My Valentine - "emo" rock bands; books by author Robin-Hollie Browne which are cautionary tales
• Biggie Smalls - First stage name of rapper later known as The Notorious B.I.G.; Professional wrestler
• Color Me Badd - R&B group with some hits in the early 1990s; slogan that can be used by either a cosmetics company or a painter
  

STAGE NAMES TO REAL NAMES

• Marilyn Morrison - Mash-up of Brian Warner's stage name (Marilyn Manson) and John Wayne's real name (Marion Morrison); helps residents raise barns and build log cabins
• Maurice Micklewhite - Actor Michael Caine; main villain in Bunky Barefoot's television show BunkMaster: Operation X
• Archibald Leach - Actor Cary Grant; first and middle names of avenging angel Archibald Blackbird
• Ruby Stevens, Harriette Lake, Annie Mae Bullock, Brenda Gayle Webb - Respectively, actresses Barbara Stanwyck and Anne Sothern and singers Tina Turner and Crystal Gayle; members of local quilting club
• Norma Jean Baker - Marilyn Monroe's first given name; wife of pastor Bobby Baker
• Alecia Moore - Singer Pink; TV and radio news reporter
  

DUAL CATEGORY

• Barenaked Ladies - All-male quartet of adult contemporary singers; all-female band of doo-wop artists. Band members all have retooled names: Vicky Lynn Smith (namesake of Anna Nicole Smith), Brandy Roderick (respelling of Playboy model Brande Roderick), Tara Patrick (namesake of Carmen Electra), Michelle Mitchell (respelling of Olympic diver Michele Mitchell)
  

What some of my characters are doing now

It's been two weeks since I last posted, so I think it's fair to look back at some of my favorite characters and see what they have been up to.

• Melanie MacMelville and Alonzo Barefoot (Buddy Wayne's "father") won spots on ABC's Dancing with the Stars. As of this weekend, MacMelville is one of the 10 remaining celebrities in the competition and has become a favorite to win it all. Meanwhile, Barefoot suffered a highly ironic injury - two heel fractures - and has had to withdraw from the event. (This passage is true in real life as well; just substitute Mya and Tom DeLay for the respective names.)
  
• Billy Bob Bryant continues to star in the Idealia Football League (IFL), but there is an intriguing online campaign to give him a roster spot on the Dallas Cowboys. According to the petition, only Bryant can put the fire under the belly to turn the Cowboys into playoff contenders and perhaps a Super Bowl team (the team has not won a playoff game since 1996). Bryant has said he is happy playing for the Defenders, but that he "would have to listen" to any offers to play in the NFL.
• Lanny "Big" Mobley made major news recently by admitting a crush on a person in the real world. Barbie Blank, a Floridian known professionally as Kelly Kelly, is one of the "divas" of World Wrestling Entertainment. In a series of letters published in The Informer, the heavenly newspaper, Blank shares her frustration that she cannot simply bolt from WWE for the UWF because she wants to personally visit Big. (You can see an index to photos of Kelly Kelly here.)
• Bunky Barefoot and Bubba Ray Lumpkin continue to race at Bowling Hill Speedway. Meanwhile, the NASCAR Hall of Fame is now under construction within sight of the condominium where Lumpkin lived in uptown Charlotte, North Carolina. On Wednesday, the first five inductees were announced: Bill France Sr., NASCAR founder, Bill France Jr., the second generation of NASCAR leadership; seven-time champions Dale Earnhardt and Richard Petty; and Junior Johnson, who emerged from the sport's roots with moonshine haulers to become one of the sport's first star drivers.
• Robin-Hollie Browne has launched RHB Books. The new independent label is focusing on deals with authors known mostly for collaborating with celebrities, with David Ritz and Burton Rocks the first two clients. Ritz has written biographies of R&B and soul singers like Smokey Robinson and Diana Ross, and Rocks has helped baseball stars with their books.
  

The All-Idealian football team

We're in the midst of football season, so why not go ahead and pick the All-Idealia football team? Selections are based on innovative use of talent, value of the player to his team, and sometimes just having a good name.

The talent level is surprisingly good. I see many of them playing at least on the Division I Football Championship Subdivision (I-AA) level, while some are good enough for Div. I Football Bowl Subdivision (I-A) and a couple of them even in the National Football League.

OFFENSE
Wide Receivers - LaDarryl Cabbagestalk (East Carolina Aviators), Littrell McBlackwell (Mississippi Mudcats)
Cabbagestalk runs as fast as Usain Bolt, catches the ball like Jerry Rice, and breaks every tackle he can. You can't beat that combination.
Tackles - Bloodworth Spikes, Jr. (Georgia BuzzHounds), Wilbert McWhite (Carolina Blue Wolves)
Guards - Dwayne Brickhouse (Aviators), Orlando "Biggie" Smalls (Appalachian Miners)
Both Brickhouse and Smalls are over 350 pounds, thereby living up to their name. Smalls is also a professional wrestler under the name "The Real Biggie Smalls."
Center - Travis Teafatiller (Texas Defenders)
His mom is Tammy Faye Teafatiller, a name I adore. She raised her right.
Tight End - Ryan Biffle (Oklahoma Outlaws)
The original Outlaws were part of the defunct United States Football League in 1984.
Quarterback - Rickey Ray Rockett (Louisiana Crawdads)
Combine the attitude of Brett Favre, the throwing arm of Jay Cutler, the last-minute poise of Tom Brady, and a superhero's name into one player and "Triple R" is the result.
Running Backs - LaBradford Bankhead (Mudcats), Lorenzo Leaks (East Texas Bonfire)
Bankhead is a cousin of singer Brightful Birdsong, mentioned in my second post.
DEFENSE
Ends - Middlebrooks Hooks (BuzzHounds), Bubba Sparks (Alabama Slammers)
I based the Sparks character on the rapper Bubba Sparxxx, who actually played high-school football before turning to rap music.
Tackles - Larry Joe Derryberry (Tennessee Tornado), Leamon McBattle (Florida Fury)
Linebackers - Billy Bob Bryant (Defenders), Cody Joe Brookshire (Miners), Bunkley McLumpkin (Slammers)
Bryant is perhaps the star player in the football league, as I have described earlier. McLumpkin is a half-brother to Bubba Ray Lumpkin. Brookshire is also a race-car driver.
Cornerbacks - Shermaine Blackshire (Bonfire), Brownzell Brokenborough (Mudcats)
Safeties - Beaulieu Barrilleaux (Crawdads), Boozer McSharper (Blue Wolves)
Barrilleaux is also captain of the Louisiana Pirates, a gang that claims to be the Merry Men of the Caribbean high seas.
SPECIAL TEAMS
Placekicker - Kyle Barefoot (Aviators)
You may remember Britt Barefoot, who was at Southern Mississippi from 2004 to 2008. He was also a kicker, so like Kyle he had the right name for the position. But he had one flaw: he had a shoe on his kicking foot. On the other hand, Tony Franklin and Rich Karlis went shoeless in earlier decades. Kyle Barefoot combines both concepts, and does it brilliantly. His career long is 62 yards, just one shy of what would be the NFL record.
Punter - Dylan MacKnight (Miners)
Kick Returner - Barron Hollingbird (Crawdads)
HEAD COACH
Bubba McDaniel (Defenders)