BMN Superfan - episode 9, season 1

The show begins with the last four contestants meeting at Reebok CrossFit in Raleigh.  There, they square off in a challenge combining a climbing wall and a puzzle to solve.  Specifically, the contestants go up an eight-rung ladder, collecting puzzle pieces at each rung.  The eight pieces are out of order, and the job is to assemble them on a board placed on the "rooftop" of the climbing wall.  The first three to finish continue in the game, while the last-place contestant goes home immediately.  As the game begins, Shandi will only say that the solution is "someone you will recognize immediately."

Brittany and Jeff grab the early lead, but Megan is not far behind.  Lil' Bit drops one of the pieces, and has to go all the way down to ground level to pick it up.  At the four-piece (halfway) mark, the other three are even.  Brittany decides to start working the puzzle in her head before all the pieces are assembled, while Megan opts to keep climbing. Megan uses her advantage in lower-body strength in the last half of the course to jump ahead, but has a hard time figuring out the solution, and Brittany catches up.  In the end, Brittany wins by just a few seconds; the solution is a life-sized picture of Buddy Wayne.  Lil' Bit never recovers from her earlier stumble and is eliminated.  As Lil' Bit leaves, she cries with her head down; Megan and Brittany hug her.  Everyone agrees that her warm and kind spirit will be missed.  (By the way, the solution to the puzzle is Buddy Wayne, wearing his firesuit from the 2007 Heritage Cup auto race.)

The congratulations for making the final three is short-lived for Brittany, Megan, and Jeff.  Now it's time for the final challenge: create a video of between four and six minutes, emphasizing their favorite moments of the season.  In addition, the video also has to star two eliminated contestants - one man and one woman - as picked from a pool of six.  The finalists selected in order of their finish on the rock wall:

• Brittany - Lil' Bit, Mikel
• Megan - Barbie, Brendon
• Jeff - Dustin, Lindsay

Teams select their locations and tape their highlights, then they go to Trailblazer Studios in Raleigh, which has hosted the post-production for a number of reality TV shows - including Gone Barefoot - where the finished tapes will be cut and shown in an editing room in front of the judges.

Before that, however, the finalists get to go home and meet their families:

• Brittany reunites with her husband and two sons in Boca Raton, Florida.  Her husband says that he is "very, very proud" of Brittany for her performance on the show.  She also appears on "Sunny 107.9" radio in West Palm Beach and is featured on WPEC (12News) in West Palm.  In addition, one of her dolls is donated to the school her kids attend.  The visit ends with a reunion with some couponing friends.
• Jeff returns to his former high school in Indiana to rally local support.  Then he traveled back to his house in suburban Atlanta, where he lives with his wife, two daughters, and a son. Jeff reconnects with the kin, then watches a video tape of the 2012 wild-card playoff game in which the Braves lost to the St. Louis Cardinals.  Jeff says he has never watched the complete game before.
• Megan is back in Brandon, Mississippi, where she lives with her parents and brother.  She returns to Millsaps College, the small Methodist-affiliated college she attends.  At halftime of a basketball game, Megan is reunited with the rest of her cheerleading team as she performs for the first time since leaving campus to tape the show.  Megan is also honored at a celebration dinner at a local restaurant.

Here are what the shows look like:

• Brittany's show, Channel B, is set up to resemble a newscast, with Lil' Bit and Mikel as the "anchors."  Two "news stories" about her wins in toy-making and costume play is followed by a show-ending commentary addressing the coincidence of her maiden name being Barefoot.
• Megan's show, Planet Megan, resembles a daytime talk show.  Her "guests" are Barbie and Brendon, who talk up how good she is and trash-talk the other contestants.  The five-minute show includes highlights of her win in the magazine photo shoot and her hometown visit.
• Jeff is influenced by regular TV and radio shows hosted by various college sports head coaches.  The Jeff Porter Show is "hosted" by Lindsay and features Jeff talking about everything from Mary Pat the acrobat to his embarrassing fall caused by a broken chair.  Also included is a mock sports training camp with Dustin.

Of course, the judges weigh in; joining Brandon McLamb and Matt Rogers this week is Brian Warner, director of Gone Barefoot (and not to be confused with the rock singer of the same name; the link redirects to his stage name, Marilyn Manson).  On Brittany's show, McLamb says, "This is a brilliant idea playing to the strength of Brittany wanting to both inform and entertain.  Great job."  Similar praise comes from the other two.  As for Megan, Warner accuses her of "being cheap and trying too hard to get a rise from the guests on your show."  Rogers disagrees: "Sometimes, disarming humor can be effective if it is targeted correctly and is amusing."  Jeff's format was praised by Rogers, who adds, "Since I'm from southern California originally and still live there, I have never seen one of the coaches' shows you're so familiar with.  Then again, after watching yours, I would like to see it again!"  Jeff then deadpans, "And so would Dustin!"

Expecting to find out the winner, Shandi informs the three finalists that they would have to wait, and that "all of us will have to wait, because the finale...will be live...And oh, one more thing.  Their [judges'] work is done."  Brittany mutters, "My God, what does that mean?"  Shandi quickly answers, "They won't be determining the winners for the season.  Instead, America will decide." Shandi then gives all the finalists up to 90 seconds to make their case as to why they should win.  This is followed by the announcer giving contact information for the finalists, the deadline (Feb. 28, 11:59 p.m. ET), and the invitation to watch the live show on March 3.

A memorable checkered flag

Once again, I didn't think to write anything new.  But then I thought of something:

With the Daytona 500 coming this Sunday, I am proud to present an excerpt from the original book.  First, some background.  At the end of the book is the Heritage Cup, in which family teams get their best vintage race cars (one of which is pictured to the right) to compete in one of the short tracks which are at the grass roots of stock-car racing.  Buddy Wayne Barefoot, my made-up three-time champion of what is now the Sprint Cup Series, thought this would be the perfect race at which to bow out.

After 300 laps of spins, chaos, and even an attempt to sabotage the race by real-estate developers (no kidding!), here's the improbable way it ended.  It's on pages 273 through 277:


This was the last of 300 laps of the most important race, indeed the most important social and societal event in all of Idealia. All the preparation, the focus, the intensity, and the hype of twelve months—only a few in Barefoot’s case—now led to one single lap. It was now all or nothing.

Everyone was standing. Some of the families were simply looking for their driving representative as they rounded the course to complete the event. But two of them were looking for the checkered flag and the biggest prize of all.

Around turn 1, Barefoot made yet another attempt to pass [Will] Hawks, again slipping into the inside lane. But again, Hawks let Barefoot get close, but not close enough. But because of the wide lane on the backstretch, the two were able to stay side-by-side throughout the lap...

With Barefoot now back behind lapped traffic, and with only a few yards to go before the Cup was lost, he tried one more thing. It was so daring, so crazy, that no one had even conceived of it before this very time. In fact, it could be argued as the most dangerous move ever attempted in the history of auto racing. It was the very definition of the age-old question, “What was he thinking?”...

Just off of turn 4 and into the backstretch, Barefoot found [Bubba Ray] Lumpkin’s lapped car and tapped off his bumper. He then turned on the accelerator and the #3 car started to barrel-roll. Just at this moment, the momentum of the combination of brake on one foot and accelerator on the other moved the car upside down and in the air. Suddenly, the crowd gasped in disbelief and concern. Where was the car going to land? Would Barefoot be OK when it landed?...

At the very spot of the start-finish line, Barefoot pulled the brake off to land the car. It was upside down maybe 4 to 6 inches from the line. Hawks was in about the same spot, slightly to the outside. Barefoot had one more thing to do before he could complete the improbable comeback: he had to move the car rightside- up before Hawks crossed. To do that, he moved the steering wheel as far to his left as he could. The momentum resulted in the car being flipped over. Then the land’s new king of daring slid the car across the start-finish line in front of the disbelieving Hawks. Then the checkered flag waved, and the impossible happened.

Buddy Wayne Barefoot won the Heritage Cup. By inches!...

For a moment, the fans were stunned into awe by what they had just witnessed. This was one occasion where words were inadequate, where even the best of poets were hardpressed to come up with anything to say to describe the events that had occurred. But once the realization came, the crowd, which was from a variety of families that had come into the speedway as rivals, rose to their feet at one and gave one of the largest ovations ever heard in the history of sports, in this world or any other...

The post-race celebration included the presentation of the trophy, which depicted a knight arriving in a “horseless carriage,” which was an unusual design of a Model T that looked like a convertible. Barefoot clutched the trophy as if it represented his life, which for all intents and purposes it did. Then he addressed the crowd:

I want to thank you for coming to the racetrack tonight. All of us, all these families, gave you a great race and all of you should be congratulated. As for me, you may think I was crazy, but I disagree. I only did what I had to do in order to be the winning driver. When the stakes are as high as they are, you will do anything! But as much as this trophy, my biggest memory is the happy and glorious reunion we all had. In one sense, we compete against each other, but in another sense we drive together, for the common cause of our heritage and our history. From the immigrant ancestors that defied British rule to the daredevil race drivers we have today, our history is rich and strong. We are pleased that we were able to write the next chapter tonight. Thank you, God bless, and good night to you all.

Next came an extraordinary moment. Every other driver and family pit crew member formed a receiving line as Barefoot returned to the car and drove it back to the hauler through the infield. He recognized that scene; it was just as it was when Dale Earnhardt won the 1998 Daytona 500...

The family returned to their Hill Country home and partied long into the night. Of course, it was none other than Buddy Wayne that performed the music. The last song of the night put a climax to the evening. It was the same tune that ended all of his shows:
I must say goodbye to all of you right now,
Bid farewell to family and friends,
But be assured that sooner or later, in some way,
We will be together once again.

At this point, there was no doubt. Buddy Wayne Barefoot would be on Idealia to stay. There were just too much pride, too much joy, too much happiness for him to go back to the world he once knew.

BMN Superfan - episode 8, season 1

Just five contestants remain, something host Shandi Finnessey insists of reminding them all as they arrive at the Duke Homestead State Historic Site in Durham for the first challenge.  As a symbol of what fans have to go through in order to see their favorite stars, the task is to negotiate an obstacle course shaped like a maze through grass and mud.  The walls are supposed to represent paparazzi and security guards, and the finish line is a scale replica of the Barefoot family home.  The fastest time wins the advantage. Because Lil' Bit owns a mud bog, some of the other contestants think this is unfair; Lil' Bit herself says, "I got this one in the bag."  However, once she begins, she encounters trouble and has to settle for a middle-of-the-pack finish.  Instead, Megan wins the advantage; the following is the complete standings:
1. Megan - 2:15.72
2. Jeff - 2:31.55
3. Lil' Bit - 2:43.46
4. Brittany - 3:19.77
5. Dustin - 4:40.03

The main challenge has an international theme, based on Buddy Wayne's Sing for the World post-show tour in 2009, in which the family's head of household, after winning that competition, performed in 34 countries.  In this challenge, the superfans must create a story explaining what B.W. would do or what he would be in various countries around the world.  A list of 12 countries, not counting the United States, are available for selection.  The order is determined by their finish in the maze:

• Megan - Ireland - She imagined B.W. being a fan of Barabbas McRipper.  According to her account, McRipper is a former barroom brawler who one day will emerge to lead an army to unite the "Emerald Isle" by freeing Northern Ireland from British rule.
• Jeff - Mexico - According to him, B.W. is a masked professional wrestler called "El Beto" (Robin Hood), who uses his platform to help victims of drug violence.
• Lil' Bit - France - In her story, B.W. helps a young woman named Audrey operate Babette's Feast, "the most expensive buffet in the world, with five diamonds and Michelin stars and stuff."  He becomes one of the world's finest chefs upon his return to America.
• Brittany - China - Here, she sees B.W. as a peaceful monk who leads a revolution to overthrow the Communist government and rebuild the ravaged countryside.
• Dustin - Brazil - In Dustin's story, B.W. is the biggest star in both soccer and samba music, scoring a game-winning goal by day and performing on a big outdoor stage at night.

Presentations take place at the main exhibit center of the state historic site in front of a small audience and the judges, Brandon McLamb, Matt Rogers, and the guest judge NASCAR driver - and native of Australia - Marcos Ambrose. 

Once they return to the Baymont Inn and Suites, they are clear on what they like and don't like.  Megan again rises to the top; McLamb says, "That Buddy Wayne would play tribute to another folk hero is commendable and innovative.  Maybe can they assemble something like the Justice League or the Avengers!"  Brittany also gets praise; according to Ambrose: "I don't watch the news that often, but I know about how the Communist government there exploits the average citizen.  At the same time, people are afraid to speak out due to the sensitive relations with the U.S.  Maybe a monk can be a symbol of resistance without being too political."  On the other hand, Dustin is panned for conceiving a character described as "Buddy's South American twin" (Rogers), Lil' Bit's story is simply called "silly" (Ambrose), and Jeff, "while his heart is in the right place," chose something "that B.W. simply doesn't believe in" (McLamb).  (He adds that B.W. has watched only one pro wrestling match in his life, which I discussed in Chapter 3 of my book.)

It was then time for the vote, and the panel splits on the winner.  Ambrose casts the tie-breaking vote for Megan, who sweeps the night.  She now has a 1-in-4 chance of winning the entire season, as does Brittany.  Judges are then deeply divided on which of the remaining contestants should go home.  Should it be Jeff, whose heart was in the right place but who did not match Buddy Wayne's passion?  Or Lil' Bit, who made no effort to link B.W. to a passion or a cause?  Or Dustin, whose career path again has our hero burn the candle at both ends, which forced him to reconsider all his priorities in life when he did it before?  In the end, the biggest debate of the season results in the end of Dustin's unlikely run on the show.

It's hard to be without my mom

Not too long ago, I had a strange day.  As you see from this post earlier this week, Brenda had to leave our humble home for the better part of two days, as part of taping the BMN Superfan reality show.  The winner of that show gets to spend a week with us later this year.  Furthermore, she was part of a contest in which the winner's idea will be incorporated into the summer block party in which we invite dozens of extended family members.   This year's party will honor Brenda, who has loved fairs, carnivals, and circuses since she was a little girl.

Although I understand the reason for her absence, it did not make it any easier.  Other than God, no one person or thing has been more important in my life than Brenda, and everyone who knows even a little about me knows that.  For the first few minutes after she left, I felt lost without her.

With Brenda gone, I threw myself more into my work.  In the morning, I made sure to do the beekeeping, since she asks me to do it at least every other day.  After I took Bryson to school, and then returned home, I helped Bobby Ray feed and groom animals.  In the afternoon, I participated in one of my fall hunting trips (this was when the show was taped) with Ralph, Harvey, and Hambone.  Yes, this has traditionally only been for male family members, but ever since Hambone won the skeet-shooting challenge, she has been invited to join us whenever she wants.  That night, I made sure to spend time with Brandy and Bunky, so we can share stories about not being with our parents.  Some perspective is in order here: unlike me, Brandy and Bunky can only see their parents at best only a few times a year.  Besides, if Lauren has moved to Italy as has been rumored, they may never see her again (due to the absence of air travel from our world to theirs).  That's like a polecat on the side of the road: It stinks really bad.

When she came back, I made sure to hug her tightly.  Again, I knew that Brenda was going to return safely from the reality show, but the absence still pulled on my heart and I had to make sure that she was able to survive.  I told her everything I did without her, and she smiled.

Happy Valentine's Day!

In honor of the holiday, here's a new Photoshop project in which Brittany L. Spears and Buddy Wayne Barefoot share the love.  Enjoy!

BMN Superfan - episode 7, season 1

Show title: "All's Fair in Love..."

In honor of Valentine's Day, the first challenge of the show is a compatibility test.  The contestants are placed into three duos.  While one member waits in the studio, the other is asked a series of questions in the confessional.  For each question, the task is to guess the answer he or she thinks his or her partner will give when he or she is asked on-stage.  In the first round, each correct answer is worth one point and in the second, each correct answer is worth two points.

The teams are selected by the producers: the favorites (Brittany Ramos and Anna "Lil' Bit" Granthum), the underdogs (Dustin Plunkett and Sgt. Lindsay Hall), and the others (Jeff Porter and Megan Turnipseed).  Brittany and Lil' Bit win with five points and each take home $500 gift cards to shop on official family merchandise.

Here are the questions:
Round 1
What is the favorite thing you like to do on a Sunday afternoon?

• Brittany = attend church, eat BBQ; Lil' Bit = "watch a lot of TV shows from Netflix and Hulu" 0 PTS.
• Dustin = watch football; Lindsay = "watch football during the season, especially my Giants, and then whatever sport is on like NASCAR when there's no football" 1 PT.
• Jeff = spend time with family after church; Megan = "go to church, then have family dinner" 1 PT.

What other reality TV show would you like to be on?

• Brittany = The Bachelor; Lil' Bit = "I want to be on The Amazing Race with my friend Fat Legs" 0 PTS.
• Dustin = Survivor; Lindsay = "My guilty pleasure show is Hell's Kitchen" 0 PTS.
• Jeff = America's Next Top Model; Megan = "I want to go on The Bachelor and see if I can connect with someone" 0 PTS.

What food or cuisine will you simply not eat?

• Brittany = Chinese; Lil' Bit = "I won't eat Chinese because it looks all foreign to me" 1 PT.
• Dustin = None; Lindsay = "Actually, I'll eat just about anything" 1 PT.
• Jeff = Eggs; Megan = "I won't eat desserts because it makes me gain weight fast" 0 PT.

(Lil' Bit, Lindsay, and Megan are in the confessional)

Round 2
If you had a time machine, to what historic event would you travel?

• Lil' Bit = D-Day; Brittany = "The invasion of Normandy [D-Day]" 2 PTS.
• Lindsay = Obama elected President; Dustin = "Man first walked on the moon" 0 PTS.
• Megan = Flight 93 on 9/11; Jeff = "Final out of the 1995 World Series [Braves won]" 0 PTS.

Who do you want to see play you in a movie about your life?

• Lil' Bit = Julia Roberts; Brittany = "Sandra Bullock would be great" 0 PTS.
• Lindsay = Rainn Wilson; Dustin = "Russell Brand" 0 PTS.
• Megan = "The Hagrid guy in [the Harry Potter film series, Rupert Grint]"; Jeff = "John Ratzenberger [was on Cheers]" 0 PTS.

Other than you and your partner, who do you want to see win this game?

• Megan = Brittany; Jeff = "Brittany Ramos is a sweet little lady..." 2 PTS.
• Lindsay = Brittany; Dustin = "We have a sports background...so I pick Jeff" 0 PTS.
• Lil' Bit = Jeff; Brittany = "The person...who has played the best game so far is Jeff" 2 PTS.

(Brittany, Dustin, and Jeff are in the confessional)

The main challenge honors Brenda, the "mother hen" of the family; she has loved carnivals and circuses since she was a child.  Contestants are asked to create her "dream fair."  Although responsible for individual elements, the items are to be organized collectively and look like the midway carnival that will be brought to the property this coming summer.  The six items have already been picked out and are randomly assigned to each contestant, as follows:

• Lil' Bit - Ferris wheel
• Brittany - Bandstand
• Dustin - Rollercoaster
• Lindsay - Food truck
• Megan - Performance artist
• Jeff - Circus act

With the challenge winner having a 1-in-5 chance of winning the entire season, the judging is more critical than ever.  When Dustin presents his rollercoaster design, which wraps around the entire property but does not have inversions, judge Matt Rogers calls it "weak."  Dustin vows to change the design if he wins.  Also, Lil' Bit's Ferris wheel and Lindsay's food truck get low grades.  After telling the judges that the Ferris wheel is made to resemble the London Eye, Brandon McLamb calls it "a complete knock-off.  The design has to be better."  As for the food truck, Lindsay's design was compared to "total graffiti" and "a complete eyesore" by Rogers.  Lindsay responds that she wanted an old-time feel, but couldn't find the suitable fonts in time: "If only I could find the Broadway font instead of using this handwriting thing." On the other hand, the judges look kindly at the proposed uniform for the performance artist that Megan made.  Brenda calls the uniform, for a female illusionist named Carrie, "an intriguing combination of 1920s flapper and the latest look from the runways in Manhattan."  Jeff's idea to use a gymnast was also praised: "It's like Cirque du Soleil if it were around a hundred years ago," McLamb says.  In the end Jeff wins and the acrobat, to be named Mary Pat, will be part of the carnival.

Unlike the week before, the decision to eliminate is easy.  Lindsay's lack of fire in the last several weeks, as well as the excuses she made at panel about her design, send her home from the competition.  For the first time since the Jan. 8 episode, a woman has been eliminated.

Locations: First challenge, Baymont Inn and Suites; second challenge, North Carolina State Fairgrounds

Some recent "pictures" of family life

Unfortunately, I didn't have time to write anything in my character's name this week, but I had to think of something to post on Friday (actually started Friday, but worked into Saturday as I was not yet done at midnight).  So I went back into my Photoshop work at ABC Adult School.  Please enjoy this photo gallery. - D.H.

The first photo is that of the family's hunting and fishing expert, Ralph, bagging a few ducks on a recent trip.  It's Brett Barefoot's head on top of Adam Brister's body.  Bubba's "tag" comes from a cap design seen on the 2011 TV show Mud Lovin' Rednecks.



Up next, the four oldest females in the house get together for a quilting bee outside.  The caption tells much of the story, of course.  The heads are (from left to right) former teacher Kim Blitchington, real estate agent Emily Barefoot, Alabama girl Brandy Barefoot, and beauty queen Amanda Barefoot.




The next photo I created is that of the Plumpkins, star of a new "spin-off" on the fictitious Barefoot Media Network TV service.  From left to right, the heads are portrayed by: Community activist Anna McWillie, an unidentified male from a file I called "blackfamily.jpg," former high school wrestler Keevin Hardman, and college honor student Katie Washington.  I got the bodies, arms, legs, and shoes (for the men) from other sources.

Finally, Hambone and her brothers are shown on the way to another hunting trip.  The story behind this is that Ralph challenged Hambone to a 10-shot challenge using clay pigeons as targets.  She won and as a result Ralph had to wash dishes for a day!  Also, she was invited to the next hunting trip; usually only the men go on these excursions.  It's Brett again on the left, Justin Barefoot in the middle, Alyssa Barefoot on the right, and Bailey Miller, Mariam Nasrollahi, and Brittany Barefoot as the clothes "models."

Updated March 9, 2013