Land of the makeovers

Psst, I've got a little secret for you. The plastic surgeon's office isn't the only place full of transformations. Idealia also has plenty of them.

If you've read this blog, you already know some of them. But here in this post I will go over the complete list of all the transformations I can think of.

Some are respellings of celebrity names. Others are the substitution of real names for pseudonyms of celebrities. And others are the results of relabeling to better fit their descriptions.

A word of caution: The original names have value to the holders and in fact some of the names, no matter how deceptive, may have been chosen for valid reasons. Do not try these at home.

Now for the directory. The first listing is what the person actually is, the second is what it actually should be according to Idealia (that is, me).

NAME RESPELLINGS

• Brittany Spears - Provocative pop singer (Britney); bluegrass singer
• Bubba Brister - Former NFL quarterback (Bubby); blues/swing/jazz singer
• Billy Bob Bryant - University of Texas wide receiver in the 1980s (Bill Boy); legendary football player and rodeo cowboy
• Matt McBriar - Punter for the NFL's Dallas Cowboys (Mat); Christian pop artist
• Brett Hart - Professional wrestling star (Bret); anthropologist, TV host, and collector of folk tales
  

MUSICAL ACTS RETOOLED

• Blondie (pictured) - New-wave band (lead singer Deborah Harry is not Blondie); pianist with classical and pop repertoire
• Hootie and the Blowfish - Soft pop band (lead singer Darius Rucker is not Hootie and band is not the Blowfish); beach music band in which Bobby Dwayne "Hootie" Pittman is lead singer
• Highland Place Mobsters, DRS (Dirty Rotten Scoundrels), GAT (Gangstas and Thugs), Queens of the Stone Age - Early 1990s R&B vocal groups; "prank mobs" comprised on young local residents, known for mischievous acts (The queens' names are, aptly, Betty and Wilma)
  
• Death Cab for Cutie, She Wants Revenge, Bullet for My Valentine - "emo" rock bands; books by author Robin-Hollie Browne which are cautionary tales
• Biggie Smalls - First stage name of rapper later known as The Notorious B.I.G.; Professional wrestler
• Color Me Badd - R&B group with some hits in the early 1990s; slogan that can be used by either a cosmetics company or a painter
  

STAGE NAMES TO REAL NAMES

• Marilyn Morrison - Mash-up of Brian Warner's stage name (Marilyn Manson) and John Wayne's real name (Marion Morrison); helps residents raise barns and build log cabins
• Maurice Micklewhite - Actor Michael Caine; main villain in Bunky Barefoot's television show BunkMaster: Operation X
• Archibald Leach - Actor Cary Grant; first and middle names of avenging angel Archibald Blackbird
• Ruby Stevens, Harriette Lake, Annie Mae Bullock, Brenda Gayle Webb - Respectively, actresses Barbara Stanwyck and Anne Sothern and singers Tina Turner and Crystal Gayle; members of local quilting club
• Norma Jean Baker - Marilyn Monroe's first given name; wife of pastor Bobby Baker
• Alecia Moore - Singer Pink; TV and radio news reporter
  

DUAL CATEGORY

• Barenaked Ladies - All-male quartet of adult contemporary singers; all-female band of doo-wop artists. Band members all have retooled names: Vicky Lynn Smith (namesake of Anna Nicole Smith), Brandy Roderick (respelling of Playboy model Brande Roderick), Tara Patrick (namesake of Carmen Electra), Michelle Mitchell (respelling of Olympic diver Michele Mitchell)
  

What some of my characters are doing now

It's been two weeks since I last posted, so I think it's fair to look back at some of my favorite characters and see what they have been up to.

• Melanie MacMelville and Alonzo Barefoot (Buddy Wayne's "father") won spots on ABC's Dancing with the Stars. As of this weekend, MacMelville is one of the 10 remaining celebrities in the competition and has become a favorite to win it all. Meanwhile, Barefoot suffered a highly ironic injury - two heel fractures - and has had to withdraw from the event. (This passage is true in real life as well; just substitute Mya and Tom DeLay for the respective names.)
  
• Billy Bob Bryant continues to star in the Idealia Football League (IFL), but there is an intriguing online campaign to give him a roster spot on the Dallas Cowboys. According to the petition, only Bryant can put the fire under the belly to turn the Cowboys into playoff contenders and perhaps a Super Bowl team (the team has not won a playoff game since 1996). Bryant has said he is happy playing for the Defenders, but that he "would have to listen" to any offers to play in the NFL.
• Lanny "Big" Mobley made major news recently by admitting a crush on a person in the real world. Barbie Blank, a Floridian known professionally as Kelly Kelly, is one of the "divas" of World Wrestling Entertainment. In a series of letters published in The Informer, the heavenly newspaper, Blank shares her frustration that she cannot simply bolt from WWE for the UWF because she wants to personally visit Big. (You can see an index to photos of Kelly Kelly here.)
• Bunky Barefoot and Bubba Ray Lumpkin continue to race at Bowling Hill Speedway. Meanwhile, the NASCAR Hall of Fame is now under construction within sight of the condominium where Lumpkin lived in uptown Charlotte, North Carolina. On Wednesday, the first five inductees were announced: Bill France Sr., NASCAR founder, Bill France Jr., the second generation of NASCAR leadership; seven-time champions Dale Earnhardt and Richard Petty; and Junior Johnson, who emerged from the sport's roots with moonshine haulers to become one of the sport's first star drivers.
• Robin-Hollie Browne has launched RHB Books. The new independent label is focusing on deals with authors known mostly for collaborating with celebrities, with David Ritz and Burton Rocks the first two clients. Ritz has written biographies of R&B and soul singers like Smokey Robinson and Diana Ross, and Rocks has helped baseball stars with their books.
  

The All-Idealian football team

We're in the midst of football season, so why not go ahead and pick the All-Idealia football team? Selections are based on innovative use of talent, value of the player to his team, and sometimes just having a good name.

The talent level is surprisingly good. I see many of them playing at least on the Division I Football Championship Subdivision (I-AA) level, while some are good enough for Div. I Football Bowl Subdivision (I-A) and a couple of them even in the National Football League.

OFFENSE
Wide Receivers - LaDarryl Cabbagestalk (East Carolina Aviators), Littrell McBlackwell (Mississippi Mudcats)
Cabbagestalk runs as fast as Usain Bolt, catches the ball like Jerry Rice, and breaks every tackle he can. You can't beat that combination.
Tackles - Bloodworth Spikes, Jr. (Georgia BuzzHounds), Wilbert McWhite (Carolina Blue Wolves)
Guards - Dwayne Brickhouse (Aviators), Orlando "Biggie" Smalls (Appalachian Miners)
Both Brickhouse and Smalls are over 350 pounds, thereby living up to their name. Smalls is also a professional wrestler under the name "The Real Biggie Smalls."
Center - Travis Teafatiller (Texas Defenders)
His mom is Tammy Faye Teafatiller, a name I adore. She raised her right.
Tight End - Ryan Biffle (Oklahoma Outlaws)
The original Outlaws were part of the defunct United States Football League in 1984.
Quarterback - Rickey Ray Rockett (Louisiana Crawdads)
Combine the attitude of Brett Favre, the throwing arm of Jay Cutler, the last-minute poise of Tom Brady, and a superhero's name into one player and "Triple R" is the result.
Running Backs - LaBradford Bankhead (Mudcats), Lorenzo Leaks (East Texas Bonfire)
Bankhead is a cousin of singer Brightful Birdsong, mentioned in my second post.
DEFENSE
Ends - Middlebrooks Hooks (BuzzHounds), Bubba Sparks (Alabama Slammers)
I based the Sparks character on the rapper Bubba Sparxxx, who actually played high-school football before turning to rap music.
Tackles - Larry Joe Derryberry (Tennessee Tornado), Leamon McBattle (Florida Fury)
Linebackers - Billy Bob Bryant (Defenders), Cody Joe Brookshire (Miners), Bunkley McLumpkin (Slammers)
Bryant is perhaps the star player in the football league, as I have described earlier. McLumpkin is a half-brother to Bubba Ray Lumpkin. Brookshire is also a race-car driver.
Cornerbacks - Shermaine Blackshire (Bonfire), Brownzell Brokenborough (Mudcats)
Safeties - Beaulieu Barrilleaux (Crawdads), Boozer McSharper (Blue Wolves)
Barrilleaux is also captain of the Louisiana Pirates, a gang that claims to be the Merry Men of the Caribbean high seas.
SPECIAL TEAMS
Placekicker - Kyle Barefoot (Aviators)
You may remember Britt Barefoot, who was at Southern Mississippi from 2004 to 2008. He was also a kicker, so like Kyle he had the right name for the position. But he had one flaw: he had a shoe on his kicking foot. On the other hand, Tony Franklin and Rich Karlis went shoeless in earlier decades. Kyle Barefoot combines both concepts, and does it brilliantly. His career long is 62 yards, just one shy of what would be the NFL record.
Punter - Dylan MacKnight (Miners)
Kick Returner - Barron Hollingbird (Crawdads)
HEAD COACH
Bubba McDaniel (Defenders)

Just checking in

Those who have paid attention to this blog know that it has been 20 days since Buddy Wayne's Ideal World has been updated.

There have been several reasons for this. One of them was that a five-night, four-day vacation that my parents and I took to New York City last week. (We arrived late Tuesday night of last week and left on Sunday morning.) During that time, I enjoyed myself and didn't use the hotel computers all that much.

Before that, I restarted classes at ABC Adult School, which meant less free time for projects like this one.

This weekend, I plan to go back to this blog for at least one post. I have not forgotten Buddy Wayne Barefoot and all of his friends and neighbors. If they were with us, they would convey the word that they are OK.

From the Porch: Defending the South

This is the first column in a new series. I will try to give you regular columns from my characters about what life has been like in Idealia since I wrote the final word of The Buddy Wayne Chronicles. - D.H.

In the two years since the book's story wrapped up, a few things have happened to me. One of them was an interview with Matt Frei of BBC World News.

It was nice to invite someone from the outside world to take a glimpse at the paradise to come, and I enjoyed talking to my millions of fans around the globe. During the interview, I also gave Matt a tour of my property and even let him drive my 1930s vintage car, the same one that I won the Heritage Cup in.

But all the outside world could talk about was a statement that was commonly reported as, "I believe that the Confederate flag is the symbol of heaven." I did not say those exact words: what I actually did was point out a flag with the cross of St. George outside the family house and told him, "This does not stand for what you think it does. It stands for the influence of our religious and cultural heritage [in the Southern United States] and how it is a symbol of our lives here in Heaven."

Those who know about Idealia know that we love barbeque, porch sitting, storytelling, riding horses, racing cars, (American) football, hunting, fishing, and working on the land. We also live our lives by faith, family, and moral values. Nowhere else on Earth is this more true than in the South. Because we believe that only the grace of God saves us and sends us to Heaven, it is only appropriate that we eventually land here.

Besides, as I explained to Matt, the flag now associated with the Confederacy, which has the Cross of St. George, was never the official flag of the nation. For most of its history, it was the "Stars and Bars," which had many similarities to the American flag. (See this page for more on the subject.) The cross flag was a "battle flag" used by some units of the CSA army during the Civil War. Later, it was chosen with the American flag to represent reunions of old soldiers from that war.

Somehow, this got twisted to represent the worst elements of the antebellum American South, including slavery. But the fact remains that, here in Idealia, the flag hangs from most of our houses, whether we are white, black, or from another background. The reason is simple: the flag represents us and unifies us, just as the American flag does in the USA or another national flag does elsewhere.

I will always stand by and defend the use of the cross of St. George, regardless of what anyone else thinks of it. As I have always said, "Take me as I am or don't take me at all."


Next time, I will defend my actions as it relates to my belle, Brittany Spears.

What's ahead on this site

I have not posted in a little over a week, so some of you may have wondered what happened to me.

The answer is, nothing really. I have been trying to take it easy in one of the worst heat waves the Los Angeles area has ever seen, as of Friday it was 90 degrees plus on nine consecutive days. Not to mention the Station Fire resulting in images similar to that of nuclear destruction.

Also, I have been thinking about where to go with this blog.

The next big idea in my mind is a weekly column called "From the Porch." Here, Buddy (or sometimes a guest character) will talk about life in my little corner of Heaven. You'll see just how different life in the world to come is compared to what life is like now. Then again, are things that much easier when everything is taken care of? Sometime this weekend, I resolve to start this new feature.

In addition: At some point this month, I will talk about a controversial topic: the Confederate flag, or more correctly the Cross of St. George flag. Why do Idealians rally behind a symbol so controversial that states displaying it are now denied the opportunity to host major college sports championships? And those people include a substantial population descended from African-Americans, the very group that is supposed to be the most offended.

Have a great holiday weekend.

Notice on updated page titles

Let me pause here to inform you that I have changed many of the page titles in my coverage of the bracket. They are now in a standard "headline" format, which is better than the generic look that was there before.

Unfortunately, Blogger did not change the URL addresses of the entries, which could cause some confusion. So pay special attention to the title of each post. If you plan to link the pages to and from other sites, please explain the discrepancies that may exist.